A most wonderful woman who worked with me for 3 1/2 years once asked me to read my old journal and see how far I've come with my health.  I've avoided it.  What if it's the same questions posed?  Or suck it up and create a quick "what I've learned" list.

Never did mend fences with the soul mate.  Any attempt would be self-serving, "look how much you were wrong!".  I know there is a part of that moment of anger and disgust that will never leave.  More time needed perhaps?  Then a strength to recognize it and change the circumstances and behaviour.  Who the soul mate was, and the things she inspired will always be cherished.  But I have no need to know her now.  I can never be OK with the words that clouded the mind these last 3 years.  Attention whore, my attempt to end my life wasn't real, and to a point neither was the illness.  I hit back hard, tearing and screaming, hatred flooding MSN.  We both lost our minds.  She played her part and touched a soul, let her rest.  What a wonderful memory time will make her.

• I still have a lot of frustrated questions, some the same from 2008.

• I am not a bad person yet have done bad things.

• This therapy shit works.  DBT will you marry me?  No thanks to Fight Club, I've had a strong prejudice towards all things Dr. Phil related. 

 Medication can alter thoughts + behaviour.  A realization that still creates a panic.  Faith baby...and always knowledge.  I'm med sensitive..not over reacting...ECT being a last resort at one point.  Always listen to your body & surround yourself with those you trust.

NEVER take Lithium or Seroquel.  The first combo in this maze. 

(Fantastic editing job here..) lol

I was sitting on my deck on Agnes St, blue pashmina covering the bare legs, pink slippers soldiering the chill for my feet.  Curled up in a hoodie with the pen scratching.  What a high!

• Breathing IS important.. a nod to yoga.  And acupuncture is a most amazing thing, feels oddly strange.

• Learning to take steps towards more expression.  I always thought that such permanent statements needed to be able to be hidden in certain public company.  The caterpillar disagrees, along with the Aum.

The illness doesn't create passion, but can fuel it.  The trick is to distract it from tempting you.

Depression is a bitch & there is still such a struggle with it.

• The husband has not been a partner for ages, yet it was still him and me against the world.  This part of our journey splits and its a tad scary.  Breathe, you have been preparing for this.

• Be a photographer or don't be a photographer.  Choose.

• Community adds a flavor to life.

• It's ok to walk away from those who can drain the mind and body.  Take the random experiences and filter.. keep strong the spirit. Things seem to be doing well.

• Thoughts are NOT facts - thank you sexy therapy guy.

• The Poet.  A character during the first mania.  Returning 1 month after my certification in Ridge Meadows psychiatric ward.  A most curious time.  Now he appears in April showing me holes in my strength, I underestimated his world.  

And he then becomes a main character a month later!  He is witnessing the final chapter in the 12 year relationship.  Fate wants me to pay attention.  

Hearts (taken just before coming to see you) + door shot in 2008.. Look into the doorknob.

•   When there is no deception, the heart rests.

The world owes you nothing.