First day back.. donned the stiff scrubs.. biohazard shoes.. and tag that identifies me as a lab rat. I didn't feel much at first, as there wasn't much to feel. Don't get me wrong it was nice to see smiles and hear "glad you're back". But the same shit still occurs, I didn't expect much else. It was when a boss had me tour the emerg with them. Luckily it was a boss that knew, a boss that sat with me when I was in there a couple of years ago. Someone safe. I passed the cardiac beds.. so far so good. The smells started coming back to me.. urine, rubber, feces, cleaner... sickness. I had forgotten what that smelled like.

We had to go check if my security passed still allowed access to those secretive, unseen rooms.. oh and the stock. Yes! Free gauze. Into emerg and past the cardiac beds is the trauma room. My breath became a bit heavier.. beating out the odd feeling rising through the body, clouding the brain. All of a sudden I started seeing the really "bad". Rooms taped up from ceiling to floor with plastic.. closed off, suspected H1n1 the RN said. You don't see that very often, emerg has a small airborne room used for TB etc. There was a little window sown into the plastic, to see the patient clearly. He was lost in the blankets, tubes everywhere and modesty checked at the door. I turned my head, I'm not ready to see this yet. Its not a weakness, I've spent 2 years learning that. But I know my emotions will win, at times it doesn't seem that I can stop them. " Meds" they say. And if I feel it stronger, it can only lead to a vibrant world right?

I think I'm done. There was a lot to see but I just don't want to anymore. I don't like that feeling. So I'm done. A means to an end. One problem. I've never been a "means" girl, not in my nature.