5 min writing ramble:

What would I say to a seventeen year old Kate? Enjoy every imaginative journey your mind takes you on, listen to music for hours and dream. Look on the world with kinder eyes. This time owes you nothing. Dream about the future. Learn to accept the past and your choices,
nothing you can do about it now.
I can't be a failure, I never paid too much attention to reality growing up.
So I had no expectations.
Growing older... my heart has not grown colder. I hear it does, the jade's roots are deep and scarred. The heart seems to be softer. I wish I could use it to forgive myself for every little thing I didn't do and accept what has been done.

Peace. I'm not used to peace. I strive for it but choose to ignore when the mind screams for surrender. I'm at war. Its been a long war, cold and dark... loud and confusing... insanity that bores me. There seems to be a victory on the horizon. Anger satisfied and the blood, bones and ghosts drip from the fingertips. Black thick tar that is smooth to the fingers, a warm blanket of revenge. Peace seemed to have no home here. The two vixens, demons of the self obsessed mind have been judged, one to remain the other to be executed out of the heart. I received an apology from vixen B and the relationship is being repaired. Much like the Kia, never to its former glory, but perhaps all matter ages that way. Now I just needed vixen A to exit. In the shadow of piece I ended it. I removed anyway that door could be shoved open, and obsessed about. I will always honour the past shared with the pair, but destroy the future. Laid to rest in the manic graveyard, lost to interpretation of the soul. Whew.

This feels good.

I forgive myself for borrowing.. I forgive myself for falling for a soulmate, not yet realizing the part she was supposed to play. I forgive me.

“now she sleeps with one eye open, but that's the price you pay” -Florence and the Machine.

Now what?

I miss the man named Sam. I long for the words that once comforted me in such a dark place. I've grown, will he ever know? Perhaps another soulmate? One that showed the beauty, and forced me to grow into a woman. And then gone to where he is supposed to be... safe. I owe him a part of who I am today. What we shared can never be compared. And my heart will not forget and will forever be thankful. We are safe now, tucked into our worlds. Peace.

SHE"S COMING HOME!

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.
And thank god for that." -Eat,Pray,Love

Absolutely perfect.. the wording, the meaning... words that strike the "ah ha" button in your brain. Things become so obvious and more and more of the ooze slides off the skin.

......but what about heterosexual life partners?.....

Well they're for life...


And they're not so easy to find!

Dedicated to the wifey's..

Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming so you better run

Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children and your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
the dog days are done
Can’t you hear the horses
Cuz here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
and what was left after that too. oh.

Happiness it hurt like a bullet in the mind. Struck from a great height
by someone who should know better than that.

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
can you hear the horses
Cuz here they come

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can’t carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are gone
Can you hear the horses because here they come

Another great tune from the heterosexual life partner. Another song that touches the soul, lyrics that fit perfectly to different times of life. I knew this song was going to be a fav when I recognized the lyrics on her facebook page. Field of trees... this was followed by a bizarre argument between her friends. One of them from my manic past. Someone who, at times, continues to instill an anger so deep, it scares my soul. This petty antagonism left me satisfied. "We've all been changed from what we were." Seems like such an angry person now. Not the person I knew. I feel comforted by that.

I wonder if I would want to start again. Which part of life would be the beginning point for this transformation? I know I would change how I feel. Getting tired of being "sick". I just spent two weeks in a safe place for people that are unsafe. Access to RN's, meds and food easily accesable, being that the regular functions of life become so damn difficult. It was a place I needed for a few days. A responsibility to my loved ones.. keep myself safe. There were no life altering epiphanies but a chance to regain good habits. To colour.. to fill my life with music once again. I left this place feeling confused about my future. Where the next step is. Did the bipolar make me sick, or am I making myself sick trying to re-enter my life where it left off? Question after question...

Slow the mind, with a cigarette... outside a hospital door.

Pull the blindfold down
So your eyes can’t see
Now run as fast as you can
Through this field of trees

Say goodbye to everyone
You have ever known
You are not gonna see them ever again

I can’t shake this feeling I’ve got
My dirty hands, have I been in the wars?
The saddest thing that I’d ever seen
Were smokers outside the hospital doors

Someone turn me around
Can I start this again?

How can we wear our smiles
With our mouths wide shut
‘Cause you stopped us from singin’

I can’t shake this feeling I’ve got
My dirty hands, have I been in the wars?
The saddest thing that I’d ever seen
Were smokers outside the hospital doors

Someone turn me around
Can I start this again?
Now someone turn us around
Can we start this again?

We’ve all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Left smashed off the floor

I can’t believe you
If I can’t hear you
I can’t believe you
If I can’t hear you

We’ve all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Smashed off the floor

We’ve all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Smashed off the floor

Someone turn me around
(We’ve all been changed from what we were)
Can I start this again?
(Our broken parts smashed off the floor)
Now someone turn us around
(We’ve all been changed from what we were)
Can we start this again?
(Our broken parts smashed off the floor)

-Editors

So the heterosexual life partner is facing a rough go. She went on her adventure but finds herself challenged by a shitty economy. I don't know how to help her and its killing me. She needs to know how proud her family is of her. When she can't feel that herself. No matter what happens. But I can empathize with her dark thoughts. The moments of uncertainty, doubt.. self, well not loathing but discontentment.

She is an amazing creature. One that inspires creativity. When you share laughter with her, you feel it in your core. She lets you know that her friends mean the world to her. We once laughed and made a joke out of being dead inside. That couldn't be further from the truth. Although her strength is what she shows the world. Don't mess with the life partner. I hope she knows how much she means to me. In the darkest hours to the greatest triumphs.. she has been there. And I don't know how I can ever repay her.

Rough times my friend.

Take a look at the secret spot SB.. it will be there when you get back.

And till then it waits.

No rush.

First day back.. donned the stiff scrubs.. biohazard shoes.. and tag that identifies me as a lab rat. I didn't feel much at first, as there wasn't much to feel. Don't get me wrong it was nice to see smiles and hear "glad you're back". But the same shit still occurs, I didn't expect much else. It was when a boss had me tour the emerg with them. Luckily it was a boss that knew, a boss that sat with me when I was in there a couple of years ago. Someone safe. I passed the cardiac beds.. so far so good. The smells started coming back to me.. urine, rubber, feces, cleaner... sickness. I had forgotten what that smelled like.

We had to go check if my security passed still allowed access to those secretive, unseen rooms.. oh and the stock. Yes! Free gauze. Into emerg and past the cardiac beds is the trauma room. My breath became a bit heavier.. beating out the odd feeling rising through the body, clouding the brain. All of a sudden I started seeing the really "bad". Rooms taped up from ceiling to floor with plastic.. closed off, suspected H1n1 the RN said. You don't see that very often, emerg has a small airborne room used for TB etc. There was a little window sown into the plastic, to see the patient clearly. He was lost in the blankets, tubes everywhere and modesty checked at the door. I turned my head, I'm not ready to see this yet. Its not a weakness, I've spent 2 years learning that. But I know my emotions will win, at times it doesn't seem that I can stop them. " Meds" they say. And if I feel it stronger, it can only lead to a vibrant world right?

I think I'm done. There was a lot to see but I just don't want to anymore. I don't like that feeling. So I'm done. A means to an end. One problem. I've never been a "means" girl, not in my nature.

I"m watching Fellowship of the Ring, perhaps a little under the influence. Which by the way creates a more dramatic rush to the movie. I decided to read the book close to the release in 2002. I got through most of it... up until the mines of Moria...the balrog, but stopped right before the fall of Gandalf. I was a tad upset, I had no idea.

By the time I was 50 pages into The Two Towers, I was done. I hadn't had much experience reading fantasy novels. And I was trying to read the grandfather of all fantasy. It got a bit heavy. I wonder if I should pick them up and try again. But as I watch Gandalf stranded at the top of Isengard.. I realize, I am content with Jackson's vision. I truly enjoy the story I see. Its is great though, to have the novels. It supports the literature and is there when I get curious enough.