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Inspiration? What inspires you? If a person inspires you, does that mean without their input, your brain is dry? Without music, books.. movies even... can one inspire themselves? Think clearly. Does your inspiration belong to someone else?

I once thought that the desire to be free, to dance in a park.. to write without rules was the doing of those around me. And perhaps a part of it was. Till I started to do some thinking. Meditate on the idea. Where does my inspiration come from, do I avoid it when the mind seems so full of distractions?

Destroy what my heart hates. Avoid the hate by avoiding all that was born from it.

Mindfulness, a term that encompasses my life at this point. And when you stop avoiding, things become clearer. You remember yourself. That you actually inspired a lot of beliefs you were trying to bury. But those inspiring moments were my own... it just took me awhile to remember.

A park person I will forever be.

And inspiration? I am inspired to be inspired. :)

I remember when I fell out of love. At 17 I first watched A Nightmare Before Xmas, people knew of my obsession.. and they asked, "did you see the vampires?". I wasn't thrilled with them, I found the other creations more distracting, It was then I put away the fangs, closed the damned eyes and let the day take me away.

Gone are the nights dreaming of that touch, that thrill.. a tear and a rip.. Immortality was never the main course, I liked the ceremony.

"put out the light, then put out the light". -othello

Every generation has its vampire lore, from my sisters Lost Boys, to the queen Ms. Rice .. to this new breed of young pretty boys.. whom Akasha would destroy with just her pinkie exposed to the sunlight. Much like going back and reading Bram Stoker's Dracula, I hope the ones that came before aren't forgotten. That the lore grows, with each new branch of the tree.

Everything about your life is laced in blood.. it can spill the past and foretell the future. Powerful, dangerous.. beautiful and intimidating.

I fell out of love... and into a lab.


Some odd Halloween thoughts.

Real life cannibals evolve in stories, madness and magic... and we have vampires. Becoming uncontrollable and frenzied.. and poof. There stands a zombie. All consuming a human, all frightening.. an evolution from fact to myth to horror.

Very recently I held the belief that a blog post should have a beginning, middle and end. I've had to rethink it. I have many beginnings, and oddly a few middles and a couple of ends. 1 1/2 years of experiences in wonderland and nothing posted. I've not lived up to the advice I so easily bestow upon the heterosexual life partner, "write.. keep writing.. just write".
I think I feared at some point the eyes that may find their way back, or the "attention" I may seek from writing thoughts, actions and ideas. None of that is my concern, now or ever. I want so desperately to write what I've seen and what I've thought. Half thoughts and confusing rants.. whatever it is, just write.

Here it goes...

Murdoch
April 18th, 1998 - August 19, 2009

Crack Cat
Murdy
Murds
Murdoch-io
Flirty Murdy
Psycho

Out of all the three... everyone seems to remember her the most. Whether you loved her or hated her.. she made herself known. Toughest cat I've known.

I am going to miss her.

Drove to the ferries with The Miss today...
felt really good on the drive home.
Sun out, water.. sky.. green... amazing.

Its been awhile since I've been able to think fondly of times past. Today I told a story about the “soulmate”, and I didn't feel angry. I smiled in memory of the summer I was a child again. I don't want to comprehend the cause, or where some of those actions led me.. I was a child, everything was a wonder.. the fancy of thoughts and the absence of reality. They call it a manic state, sure I'll buy that. But I won't give up what I learned, what I experienced.. and the times of absolute comfort with another. Everyone should have a soulmate for a brief flicker in time.. I don't think they are meant to stay. Like a fire it ignites but is quick to burn out... and hurt remains the longer you stand there.. waiting for a flicker, a sign of life. But do have one, at least once in life.

Every lyric in a song had this great meaning, and somehow we always twisted it to fit ourselves. Talk of standing on a cliff, ready to destroy those in our way. Our palms ignite and our enemies vanquished. Fates controlled us. They flicked their beads and we set off to pick them up. Gifts from the gods, little glass beads. We were children. Ninja shoes... park people and bears.. oh my...

Soul mates last for a flicker in time, waiting for the next life where these children will conquer the world once more.. only for a moment. Heterosexual life partners journey apart for just a moment but spend a lifetime telling each other their stories over and over again, never tiring to hear about such adventures. Both are so important to ones life, but only the strongest survive.



"You can keep my things, they've come to take me home"
-Peter Gabriel

I wrote something today.
Something that I couldn't have written till now.
And its over.

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

Overweight - Blue October

"In letting go I am so proud of what I've done" - Blue October

Almost a year now.

To go back to where I was, would be to die. April 2nd.. a day to choose life.

I still hold anger in my heart. For those that just couldn't... deal.
Letting go was never my strong suit.
"Don't you think the joker laughs at you?" - I am the Walrus

Stubborn Kate, its your energy getting wasted. Survive and push...

For an attention whore, I'm good.
Still off work, on disability.. regular visits with the shrink.. therapist. Medication difficulties...
body rejecting mind altering.
How stupid do you feel now?

You are not welcome here...
You must go now....
It awaits.. right out my window.
Push the dark man...
down..down.....
out...out.....
The stairs are clear.

Finally.
This isn't about attention.
This isn't about blame.
This isn't about you.

This is your death.. and the death of those that inspire such darkness.

"Fourteen million miles away from sane" - Blue October

Down this hallway lies..
A way out.



Beneath these layers...
an itch.



Crazy?

A phone called came one Friday afternoon, after feeling shunned from potential employers. I was one month out of my Lab Tech training. Allowed to put "things in skin" and no peachy flesh to peirce. The call was from Riverview Mental Hospital 700 Lougheed Hwy. Job Interview for the lab.
Insane peachy flesh waiting for me.

The first time I saw the grounds. past the curious looks from the highway, was a day before my interview. The 244 acres were drapped with fog... good ol'bc weather.
Voodoo - Godsmack playing, exciting me even more.
Ive watched this place, wondered about it.. feared it. I was here.

The site is housed by a min of 20 buildings. The original three buildings stand. West Lawn. Centre Lawn & East Lawn. Patient care buildings are virtually extinct. Perhaps two still house the mentally ill. The government seeming to think dumpsters are an acceptable dwelling. "Get them out of the community," replace the stigma... to.... addicts, junkies, nutcases, useless to socitey.

West Lawn: Opened 1912, closed 1983. A mental hospital that has the history of the early 19th century. Labotomies, shock treatments, punishment not wellbeing.
A dark place.. layers of every human emotion on the walls.. painted over, sterilized.
Deleted.
Bars in the windows.
Gorgeous red brick and large white pillars extending to the sky leading the visitor to stare up at the enterance. Looking for the sign,
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here".
A beautiful but scared building. The first two floors are boarded up, chainlinks of fence meant to discourage exsisting patients from trying to get in. Asbestos heaven and lead paint. A true beauty.

I've missed a few chances to enter her. Fear of glass and the fear of another stopped me. A few weeks ago a fellow UE'er told me of an open door. The way in.

I entered...

I'm going in.

It isn't a choice.

This is the door... opened for how long??

West Lawn
Opened 1912

Riverview Mental Hospital

Inked

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,

it became a butterfly.

You can run on for a long time

Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news
My head's been wet with the midnight dew
I've been down on bended knee talkin' to the man from Galilee
He spoke to me in the voice so sweet
I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet
He called my name and my heart stood still
When he said, "John go do My will!"

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down


Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand
Workin' in the dark against your fellow man
But as sure as God made black and white
What's down in the dark will be brought to the light

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God'll cut you down

Go tell that long tongue liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down

Johnny Cash
God's Gonna Cut You Down