I'm shaking.
My leg vibrating,
my soul filled with rage.

I refuse to allow any more of his destruction to seep into the pores, infecting.
It seems to stalk me down the rabbit hole,
Anyone carrying Penicillin?

Break Ups
Make Ups
Fuck Ups
&
Fake Ups
- blue october

I once believed that the world I'm so lucky to be a part of, could extend the courtesy,
to a soul that was painted so black. I was wrong.
Some souls choose otherwise and enjoy the dark, even comforted by it.

All that is left is to say goodbye.


"And like that... *poof* ...he is gone"
-Verbal (Usual Suspects)


"In a month or two she'll call you. You got to hang up the phone..."
-blue october

Thoughts from a 3rd Story Balcony

The deck is soft, the rot spreading fast.
And I sit doing what I shouldn't, slowing enjoying the guilt.

"You've been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down"
The Walrus - The Beatles

In just over a month I will be sitting in a treehouse once again.
Meet you there heterosexual life partner.

There may be a rabbit loose, disguised as a polar bear.

How do you know its reality? A hallucination?
I saw a man one night, walking from Agnes to Elliot.
His arm made many sounds as they slide past his, out of season "puffy" jacket.
As he passed beneath my perch, he sang.
Just loud enough for me to hear,
"I think everythings gonna be all right"
Sounded like Rocketman.
He just graced me with that one line and off he went,
silent in the darkness.
Was he real?

I try to regulate myself too much. My muse must be Chaos.
My life lead like a soilder. My soul inspired by the fates.


I dream of fear.

What the hell is an irrational thought?
I am told to not have them anymore. But then what?
Can someone tell me difference between a cognitive thought and instinct,
and then tell me how to control them.

If someone became god, what theme music would they use?

I'm going to start a Sharpie Support Group... anyone?

I'd like to get back to my old writing style,
creative not self loathing.

Breathe Deep
and Imagine a world...
A most perfect tree..
its branches
and two young people sitting beneath.
Each giggling and mocking each other for it.
What a nice world that would be.

Breathe Out

I think I'm nuts. In a different sick "healthy" way, not quite as destructive as before. I feel haunted parts of the day, not really knowing how I am feeling.

I've always been an imaginative dreamer, but since becoming dependent against my tiny capsule captors, I have become a vivid dreamer with odd sleeping habits. From screaming "HELP" at the top of my lungs waking out of a dream to somehow getting together a bowl, milk, spoon and cheerios, eating it..yummm. And the next morning is shocked to find a empty bowl beside her bed. The inside sticky from the milk and sugar. No surprise that my felines we a little bit more peppy that morning.

One thing I've noticed, is that I dream of fear. Always, being misunderstood, fear and helplessness. I have been attacked by a viscous dog to having the gang from The Hills Have Eyes try to feast on me... run... run... hide.. fear. I need to find out what I'm fearing. Why am I so worried about nobody understanding me? The dreams leave me shaken for part of the day, I do so hope they go away soon.

I'm trying to tell myself to do the opposite of what I would have done before. Since the old way didn't really work out for me. Kate the sinner... I never realized how difficult that was going to be. When your natural reaction to a male that you find interesting, is to move in, march your way to his bed, and then evaluate the whole situation in your mind. Too much time in the mind. Not a good thing. They say awful things in there. Now I hope to be charmed, trying for once not to be so aggressive. All the while mind and body want gratification now. I lust for intellect and thirst for knowledge....yet want passion and hair pulling. Just a tug.

Did I mention I"m nuts?

I evaluate my life, moment for moment. What went right, what went wrong, and how it translates into how I feel about the whole moment. This is irrational thinking. Or so I have been told. So I'm retraining the brain, full assault. I have my days when thoughts seem out of place, time seems my enemy. Yet my mind has never been so clear.

"if he's into you, he will call" ~ words spoken by the man named Sam. Simple sentence, with a spiderweb of meanings. Don't read too much into your own mind.

I will succeed, for we know where the other way leads.