Thoughts from a psych ward...

Day #2

I sit in a psych ward, surrounded by people with great laughter & bigger despair. My white walled room scares me, with the tiny window for captors to keep watch. Fear was all I could feel the first 12 hours. Now? I feel embarrassed. Which is a negative feeling.....

I'm tired of my fear. It isn't fear of the physical, its all mental. To fall backwards is easy. Am I silly to think I can control it? Look at my control now? Slit, slit...swallow...swallow.

I am tired, but not as exhausted.


Day #5

I'm tired this morning, very tired. I'm not sure if its the drugs that slow me or my own mind.
I am confused.
Certified? 30 days my captors have me. 3 RCH docs and Sab signed the papers. I'm in the damn system. I am mentally ill. How can I ever trust my mind again. I have never felt so uncomfortable.

I need to talk.

Day #7

If all I love is dead to me know, where do I begin? How do I start pulling this apart?

Where is my new lease on life? Where is that "first breath of life" again?
My tears seem so real, the only passion left.

One too many crazy girl.

Day #9

They told me I may go home tonight, and I started to cry. I know I want to go home, my bed, my comfort. But it means giving up the comfort I gained here. Crisis comfort, not life long. I don't know what holds me here, relationships perhaps. That only work on a toxic level. I don't think the etiquette of a psych ward allows these relationships.

Day #11

How can I leave? With the dark inching closer every quickened breath. The tears start to flow, the heart quickens. And my head clouds over, I am done.

I want this demon gone, unsheathe my sword and slice the beast.

I know my inspiration is small, manic and uneven.

I am tired again.


Day #19

This is one hell of a hospital stay. Almost a month. I want to go home.