I can choose to be full of rage, full of hurt or full of shit. Losing someone in such a ugly, messy way...ignorance & doubt clashing with anger and racing thoughts. I'm choosing to recognize the pity & sadness of it all. I am in a much better place now, I can't say the same for the estranged soulmate.

I'm sorry my dear friend, you can keep your anger and mistrust.

This blog was attacked, questioned as an attention grab, telling too much information. But hasn't that what the blog has been all along? My darkest thoughts in the darkest places called shallow... I have no other reason than....that is how I was feeling. I can't help you if you think my last words to you were shallow.... Don't like it? Don't read it.

I will not be ashamed and I will learn all I can and educate those that want to be educated. So perhaps a person some day doesn't have to turn to that bottle of Paxil, or fear that dark man stalking them. Somehow attention and support has gotten mixed up.

To my family and friends, I can't ever repay you for the amount of strength you have given me. Even those that were angry has seen in the last 22 days, the changes.... to them, that's whats important...and they let go of their anger. When I was at my weakest you guys gave to me... My mom touching my hair and telling me it was beautiful, I felt like I was 12. I have 3 females that have done the suicide thing in my moms family, and she lived through hers. Genetic...can't argue with that. Its about time we make this female line stronger....

The heterosexual life partner who gave all she could, while letting me know how she felt, but she didn't judge. I appreciate you and all you are more than ever. Thank you for Edmund.

I refuse to let in the negative again. So I must distance myself from the ugly. I'm just getting my strength back, I can't fight you.

So to the soulmate, you were my muse, my light. Perhaps you were a drug....needing that inspiration again. I found it....my dark on paper rather than my head.... And I realize not one person inspires me, but the strength of those that believe in me....
I can't waste time on the people that don't.

One month ago I had no future, all I felt was pain...fear. I met people in the hospital that truly lost everything including memory from shock treatments. Not a place for fakers.

My friends saved my life and I am forever grateful...Thank you for my life.