A poem by Vego....a spider web.

A fallen Grace ...
I dance on the thought of Wonder... knowing this bliss
Oh so bittersweet I wonder, would you still... dare too dance into a Spider web.
Knowingly singing these whispering would of playing joy...
...in new found love.
Your so sweet in your Graceful song,
so open and free,
echoing in here...these hollowed halls...
yet still you sing...
...so playfully in wonder and delight...
but all songs with end ...
...a fallen grace...
...in lies.

I can choose to be full of rage, full of hurt or full of shit. Losing someone in such a ugly, messy way...ignorance & doubt clashing with anger and racing thoughts. I'm choosing to recognize the pity & sadness of it all. I am in a much better place now, I can't say the same for the estranged soulmate.

I'm sorry my dear friend, you can keep your anger and mistrust.

This blog was attacked, questioned as an attention grab, telling too much information. But hasn't that what the blog has been all along? My darkest thoughts in the darkest places called shallow... I have no other reason than....that is how I was feeling. I can't help you if you think my last words to you were shallow.... Don't like it? Don't read it.

I will not be ashamed and I will learn all I can and educate those that want to be educated. So perhaps a person some day doesn't have to turn to that bottle of Paxil, or fear that dark man stalking them. Somehow attention and support has gotten mixed up.

To my family and friends, I can't ever repay you for the amount of strength you have given me. Even those that were angry has seen in the last 22 days, the changes.... to them, that's whats important...and they let go of their anger. When I was at my weakest you guys gave to me... My mom touching my hair and telling me it was beautiful, I felt like I was 12. I have 3 females that have done the suicide thing in my moms family, and she lived through hers. Genetic...can't argue with that. Its about time we make this female line stronger....

The heterosexual life partner who gave all she could, while letting me know how she felt, but she didn't judge. I appreciate you and all you are more than ever. Thank you for Edmund.

I refuse to let in the negative again. So I must distance myself from the ugly. I'm just getting my strength back, I can't fight you.

So to the soulmate, you were my muse, my light. Perhaps you were a drug....needing that inspiration again. I found it....my dark on paper rather than my head.... And I realize not one person inspires me, but the strength of those that believe in me....
I can't waste time on the people that don't.

One month ago I had no future, all I felt was pain...fear. I met people in the hospital that truly lost everything including memory from shock treatments. Not a place for fakers.

My friends saved my life and I am forever grateful...Thank you for my life.

Pain. Alot of pain. Betrayal at its best.

I have bipolar. I am learning all I can, taking whatever help they give me. I have a real chance at a more content life. I'm tired of being so angry all the time, so pissed off at the world. Being bipolar lets you release the guilt and the hatred. My responsibility to my friends and family?
To learn as much as I can, and to change the behaviour.

Now it has been brought to my attention that the soulmate thinks I'm a liar. Wow...I tricked 3 MD's into certifying me and 3 psychiatrists to diagnosis me. I defiantly need to be on TV!

I have been betrayed.

Could you forgive someone that calls you a liar.....says your whole life, darkest feelings and all is an attention grab. Well I know bipolar is about extremes.... And I'm sure I could keep trying to prove myself to this said soulmate....blood records for 2 years now...and I don't think they give fakers Lithium.

But hey...an uneducated RN must know. Perhaps I should let my 5 working RN's know that some chick in Alberta thinks I'm faking.

I never imagined such ignorance.

Perhaps she was just an hallucination of mania.

Soulmate
Stephanie L.
RIP

Is this how the world views mental illness? Should I not advocate? Oh wait...that just might be me trying to get attention for it. You want is Soulmate, you can have it, attention and all.

I think of the day this soulmate realizes how wrong she really is...I just hope this evil that has taken her over releases her, before she loses all her spirit. My friend is gone...but my journey is going to take me to great places..lets go heterosexual life partner, that is if you don't mind a faker.

Thoughts from a psych ward...

Day #2

I sit in a psych ward, surrounded by people with great laughter & bigger despair. My white walled room scares me, with the tiny window for captors to keep watch. Fear was all I could feel the first 12 hours. Now? I feel embarrassed. Which is a negative feeling.....

I'm tired of my fear. It isn't fear of the physical, its all mental. To fall backwards is easy. Am I silly to think I can control it? Look at my control now? Slit, slit...swallow...swallow.

I am tired, but not as exhausted.


Day #5

I'm tired this morning, very tired. I'm not sure if its the drugs that slow me or my own mind.
I am confused.
Certified? 30 days my captors have me. 3 RCH docs and Sab signed the papers. I'm in the damn system. I am mentally ill. How can I ever trust my mind again. I have never felt so uncomfortable.

I need to talk.

Day #7

If all I love is dead to me know, where do I begin? How do I start pulling this apart?

Where is my new lease on life? Where is that "first breath of life" again?
My tears seem so real, the only passion left.

One too many crazy girl.

Day #9

They told me I may go home tonight, and I started to cry. I know I want to go home, my bed, my comfort. But it means giving up the comfort I gained here. Crisis comfort, not life long. I don't know what holds me here, relationships perhaps. That only work on a toxic level. I don't think the etiquette of a psych ward allows these relationships.

Day #11

How can I leave? With the dark inching closer every quickened breath. The tears start to flow, the heart quickens. And my head clouds over, I am done.

I want this demon gone, unsheathe my sword and slice the beast.

I know my inspiration is small, manic and uneven.

I am tired again.


Day #19

This is one hell of a hospital stay. Almost a month. I want to go home.

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
cause Ive found god
Yeah

Im so lonely but thats okay, I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all Ive heard ...
But I'm not sure
Im so excited, I cant wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
Im so horny, but thats okay ...
My will is good
Yeah

I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack

Lithium
Nirvana

What is happening to me?