So they tell me I just may be bipolar.
An excuse?
Perhaps. It makes the day go by easier, your self esteem thanks you for it. A lie? Depends on your opinion of mental health. I say too many people use it as an excuse to behave badly, to get what they want. Even I have succumbed to that and quite easyily I'm afraid. Yet at the end of the day, when you lie in bed and the shadows envelope you, what are your thoughts? Do you pray to god? Do you put your mental and physical health in the almighty's hands? What happens when you don't have faith. Who takes reponsibility for you when you don't believe in god? My guess would be yourself, and now say that you can't trust yourself. That for some reason the choices your making seem to be much more difficult, simple conflicts and your world is in disaray. Your just so damn sad. I don't want such a person in charge of me, of my mental and physical health. Thats where the health part comes in. There is no cure for the blues nor can you always “snap out of it”. Its a balance. Two sides of the spectrum. High's and Low's. I've had the lows, but never any highs. I learned today that my anger, my frustration, my compulsion, my obsession...those are my highs. If I can feel sorry for myself for a minute, I don't even get to feel the incredibale happy high, son of a ..... Today got me thinking in a way I never had. I never thought my blood pumping frustration was anything but me being a bitch.
Not an excuse, more of an understanding.
Can this answer so many questions? I feel raw. Ideas are connecting at such a rapid pace, so many thoughts trying to weed out the useless ones. I'm exhausted and feeling sorry for myself. I want to curl up in bed and call it a day. It seems to me I am moving in the right direction, its just slicing open its path....and I'm not too sure how to handle whats coming out.
Could this be why I crave the butterflies so much, the extreme anxiety that you love even as it causes pain. Oh those stomach muscles never felt so tight, like I had spent 24 hours laughing. Periods of highs and lows in terms of months and years. Boredom equals death. Is this why I crave the drama, get off on it? Is this my high?
If one day you hear me babbling about this “disease”, please just remeber..... it is my faith. It is my way of knowing, things just may get a bit better. All I ask is to live the life I'd imagined.
