From time to time, the hate fills my soul. Its not worth it, she isn't worth it. She has become the poster child of betrayal and ignorance.

alice is sick.

How dare you say that my world isn't worth understanding.
Fuck you...
Its disgusting how you let the beauty of your soul get scrapped out with the sickle and served onto fancy plates, to be devored by those you call...
You never once read my words. Accused me of thoughts I did not have.
You wasted my time.

the door mouse is sick.

"people like you".. what me? You had your choice between a soulmate or a cock... and I had to forgive you. The cock always wins.

You lump me in with "people like you", what people are those? The ones that served you well, only to be replaced by the new flavour? Wait that isn't fair..you didn't seem to be a virus.. But that is what you accuse me of. You stand alone now, I don't. Those "idiot people that buy into your shit", seem not to mind. Guess what sweetie, your the only one.

Take a good look at the picture. Alice. Her stomach hurts. And if infact that this end of a fate line, was caused by ignorance.. the worst kind. Perhaps your closest kin could give her a hand. This is basic stuff my friend, if she fails... I may look into a different career.

How dare you believe I choose to live like this.. Fuck you.

How I want to love to hate you. Its just not worth it.

Time to choose.

"Remember what the dormouse said; feed your head"
white rabbit

Everything has to work perfectly with everything else. The harmony of order, when the mind is in chaos. But order tends to get in the way of creativity. Trying to sit down and write, mind teaming with ideas, yet the physical situation is less than satisfactory. So it must be made conducent to being a writer. The hunt for the perfect pen begins, the coffee table that isn't even used as support is covered in filth. That needs to go. Organize the mess, and find that damn pen. Is the piece of paper waiting to be turned into the next masterpiece of the mind, clean? Is it a pure white with crisp blue lines, or muddled by scribbles? Now light a candle or two, as it offers a mood. Smokes? Check. Weed? Check. Grab something to drink and away we go, to dazzle the people with the amazing insights your mind is teaming with. Wait! Couch cushions are not in their appropriate placement. Ok, now sit... and write.

Wait! What was I going to write about? ? ?

I'm sorry for the way I treated you
I'm stuck in my ways to just run
In the opposite way when things get comfortable
I'll keep on licking till your flavor is gone

It's getting more impossible
To keep a straight face
And be trusted with
I love you

Don't trust my words when I'm in the bed with you
I'll bring the message, but the message gets lost
Yeah you opened your legs and maybe
I promised you
You didin't notice that my ankles were crossed

Can you show me how to treat someone?
I don't recall ever learning how
Because I keep fucking up
I keep fucking up

Sexual Powertrip (One Big Lie) - Blue October

I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But i remember everything
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If i could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Hurt - NIN

What do I think of this whole god damn thing?

I must write
I cannot write
I want to write
I should write
I'm afraid to write

I have nothing to say in this racing mind. Attention distracted. What?

I am self loathing
I am pity
I live by fear
I judge in disguise
I cry in frustration
I hate by habit

So today I write. Crosslegged, music in ears & pen in hand

Scream if you want to...

Erin how I love to hate you.

James - Blue October

Kneel down
Close your eyes
hit the ground
I want you to, to kneel all day
alone in this desolate cave
So I said
Scream if you want to
'cause no, no one is around
I want you to
To scream all day
Cause there's eleven words that I've rehearsed to say

And I say
how, how, how How I love to hate you!

you you you you

You're,
not so brave
When I'm the snake
And you're my prey
Let me tell you I'll, I'll eat all day
Alone in this desolate cave
So I say
Squeal if you want to
Cos no
no one is around
I want you to
To squeal all day
Cause there's eleven words that I've rehearsed to say

And I say
how, how, how How I love to hate you!

you you you you

James, how I love to hate you

And I say
how, how, how How I love to hate you!

I'm shaking.
My leg vibrating,
my soul filled with rage.

I refuse to allow any more of his destruction to seep into the pores, infecting.
It seems to stalk me down the rabbit hole,
Anyone carrying Penicillin?

Break Ups
Make Ups
Fuck Ups
&
Fake Ups
- blue october

I once believed that the world I'm so lucky to be a part of, could extend the courtesy,
to a soul that was painted so black. I was wrong.
Some souls choose otherwise and enjoy the dark, even comforted by it.

All that is left is to say goodbye.


"And like that... *poof* ...he is gone"
-Verbal (Usual Suspects)


"In a month or two she'll call you. You got to hang up the phone..."
-blue october

Thoughts from a 3rd Story Balcony

The deck is soft, the rot spreading fast.
And I sit doing what I shouldn't, slowing enjoying the guilt.

"You've been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down"
The Walrus - The Beatles

In just over a month I will be sitting in a treehouse once again.
Meet you there heterosexual life partner.

There may be a rabbit loose, disguised as a polar bear.

How do you know its reality? A hallucination?
I saw a man one night, walking from Agnes to Elliot.
His arm made many sounds as they slide past his, out of season "puffy" jacket.
As he passed beneath my perch, he sang.
Just loud enough for me to hear,
"I think everythings gonna be all right"
Sounded like Rocketman.
He just graced me with that one line and off he went,
silent in the darkness.
Was he real?

I try to regulate myself too much. My muse must be Chaos.
My life lead like a soilder. My soul inspired by the fates.


I dream of fear.

What the hell is an irrational thought?
I am told to not have them anymore. But then what?
Can someone tell me difference between a cognitive thought and instinct,
and then tell me how to control them.

If someone became god, what theme music would they use?

I'm going to start a Sharpie Support Group... anyone?

I'd like to get back to my old writing style,
creative not self loathing.

Breathe Deep
and Imagine a world...
A most perfect tree..
its branches
and two young people sitting beneath.
Each giggling and mocking each other for it.
What a nice world that would be.

Breathe Out

I think I'm nuts. In a different sick "healthy" way, not quite as destructive as before. I feel haunted parts of the day, not really knowing how I am feeling.

I've always been an imaginative dreamer, but since becoming dependent against my tiny capsule captors, I have become a vivid dreamer with odd sleeping habits. From screaming "HELP" at the top of my lungs waking out of a dream to somehow getting together a bowl, milk, spoon and cheerios, eating it..yummm. And the next morning is shocked to find a empty bowl beside her bed. The inside sticky from the milk and sugar. No surprise that my felines we a little bit more peppy that morning.

One thing I've noticed, is that I dream of fear. Always, being misunderstood, fear and helplessness. I have been attacked by a viscous dog to having the gang from The Hills Have Eyes try to feast on me... run... run... hide.. fear. I need to find out what I'm fearing. Why am I so worried about nobody understanding me? The dreams leave me shaken for part of the day, I do so hope they go away soon.

I'm trying to tell myself to do the opposite of what I would have done before. Since the old way didn't really work out for me. Kate the sinner... I never realized how difficult that was going to be. When your natural reaction to a male that you find interesting, is to move in, march your way to his bed, and then evaluate the whole situation in your mind. Too much time in the mind. Not a good thing. They say awful things in there. Now I hope to be charmed, trying for once not to be so aggressive. All the while mind and body want gratification now. I lust for intellect and thirst for knowledge....yet want passion and hair pulling. Just a tug.

Did I mention I"m nuts?

I evaluate my life, moment for moment. What went right, what went wrong, and how it translates into how I feel about the whole moment. This is irrational thinking. Or so I have been told. So I'm retraining the brain, full assault. I have my days when thoughts seem out of place, time seems my enemy. Yet my mind has never been so clear.

"if he's into you, he will call" ~ words spoken by the man named Sam. Simple sentence, with a spiderweb of meanings. Don't read too much into your own mind.

I will succeed, for we know where the other way leads.

You know, I write and I write but I don't ever seem to finish anything. Hell I have 5 or 6 blogs waiting to be published. Its just nothing ever sounds right, my purpose is never laid out on the table.

But I write now. Today is a shitty day. And I did hypomanic actions that never rectify the problem, just worsen it. Don't blame the disease, why the hell not? I"m pissed and feeling sorry for my situation in life...letting it feed the dark man who is whispering to me the most hellish things. Help?

At least I"m writing.

Oh and the picture? It is my interpretation on this: There is a purple penguin pooh, a bumblebee pooh, a purple bunny pooh, and a hamster pooh, to name a few. I end up with the blue canary.... *cough*

The past has come back. A past I used to fear, and now.......

The rabbit found me, he has always been there. He showed himself to me in a park, when I was still innocent. And he now he lead me to a land of dust, only to run off for a "very important date".

Which rabbit hole do I leap into next? How do I put all this in words?

My Boys..... how I loath and love you.

You let me violate you...
you let me desecrate you.
You let me penetrate you...
you let me complicate you.
Help me I broke apart my insides,
help me I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me the only thing that works for me,
help me get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god

You can have my isolation,
you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith,
you can have my everything

Help me tear down my reason,
help me its' your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect,
help me become somebody else

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god

Closer
NIN

A question, a choice, or a memory...
The fates wrapping themselves around
the lines of these souls.
Would you question your desire?
Let the fates guild your choice?
Or would you fall into their mist and dance
within memories?
An eternity in a moment, flash... and gone.
Your choice of fates await, in the web...
...lace in your blackest of hearts...
again you chose your descent.

...and then call it fate.

Created by DM&ED

Get Down With the Sickness - Disturbed

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

Looking at my own reflection
When suddenly it changes
Violently it changes
There is no turning back now
You've woken up the demon in me

Get up, come on get down with the sickness

Open up your hate, and let it flow into me
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
You mother get up come on get down with the sickness
You fucker get up come on get down with the sickness
Madness is the gift, that has been given to me

I can see inside you, the sickness is rising
Don't try to deny what you feel
It seems that all that was good has died
And is decaying in me

It seems you're having some trouble
In dealing with these changes
Living with these changes
The world is a scary place
Now that you've woken up the demon in me

Get up, Come on get down with the sickness

(And when I dream)
No mommy, don't do it again
Don't do it again
I'll be a good boy
I'll be a good boy, I promise
No mommy don't hit me
Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?
Don't do it, you're hurting me
Why did you have to be such a bitch
Why don't you,
Why don't you just fuck off and die
Why can't you just fuck off and die
Why can't you just leave here and die
Never stick your hand in my face again bitch
I don't need this shit
You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore
How would you like to see how it feels mommy
Here it comes, get ready to die

Get up, come on get down with the sickness

Madness has now come over me

A poem by Vego....a spider web.

A fallen Grace ...
I dance on the thought of Wonder... knowing this bliss
Oh so bittersweet I wonder, would you still... dare too dance into a Spider web.
Knowingly singing these whispering would of playing joy...
...in new found love.
Your so sweet in your Graceful song,
so open and free,
echoing in here...these hollowed halls...
yet still you sing...
...so playfully in wonder and delight...
but all songs with end ...
...a fallen grace...
...in lies.

I can choose to be full of rage, full of hurt or full of shit. Losing someone in such a ugly, messy way...ignorance & doubt clashing with anger and racing thoughts. I'm choosing to recognize the pity & sadness of it all. I am in a much better place now, I can't say the same for the estranged soulmate.

I'm sorry my dear friend, you can keep your anger and mistrust.

This blog was attacked, questioned as an attention grab, telling too much information. But hasn't that what the blog has been all along? My darkest thoughts in the darkest places called shallow... I have no other reason than....that is how I was feeling. I can't help you if you think my last words to you were shallow.... Don't like it? Don't read it.

I will not be ashamed and I will learn all I can and educate those that want to be educated. So perhaps a person some day doesn't have to turn to that bottle of Paxil, or fear that dark man stalking them. Somehow attention and support has gotten mixed up.

To my family and friends, I can't ever repay you for the amount of strength you have given me. Even those that were angry has seen in the last 22 days, the changes.... to them, that's whats important...and they let go of their anger. When I was at my weakest you guys gave to me... My mom touching my hair and telling me it was beautiful, I felt like I was 12. I have 3 females that have done the suicide thing in my moms family, and she lived through hers. Genetic...can't argue with that. Its about time we make this female line stronger....

The heterosexual life partner who gave all she could, while letting me know how she felt, but she didn't judge. I appreciate you and all you are more than ever. Thank you for Edmund.

I refuse to let in the negative again. So I must distance myself from the ugly. I'm just getting my strength back, I can't fight you.

So to the soulmate, you were my muse, my light. Perhaps you were a drug....needing that inspiration again. I found it....my dark on paper rather than my head.... And I realize not one person inspires me, but the strength of those that believe in me....
I can't waste time on the people that don't.

One month ago I had no future, all I felt was pain...fear. I met people in the hospital that truly lost everything including memory from shock treatments. Not a place for fakers.

My friends saved my life and I am forever grateful...Thank you for my life.

Pain. Alot of pain. Betrayal at its best.

I have bipolar. I am learning all I can, taking whatever help they give me. I have a real chance at a more content life. I'm tired of being so angry all the time, so pissed off at the world. Being bipolar lets you release the guilt and the hatred. My responsibility to my friends and family?
To learn as much as I can, and to change the behaviour.

Now it has been brought to my attention that the soulmate thinks I'm a liar. Wow...I tricked 3 MD's into certifying me and 3 psychiatrists to diagnosis me. I defiantly need to be on TV!

I have been betrayed.

Could you forgive someone that calls you a liar.....says your whole life, darkest feelings and all is an attention grab. Well I know bipolar is about extremes.... And I'm sure I could keep trying to prove myself to this said soulmate....blood records for 2 years now...and I don't think they give fakers Lithium.

But hey...an uneducated RN must know. Perhaps I should let my 5 working RN's know that some chick in Alberta thinks I'm faking.

I never imagined such ignorance.

Perhaps she was just an hallucination of mania.

Soulmate
Stephanie L.
RIP

Is this how the world views mental illness? Should I not advocate? Oh wait...that just might be me trying to get attention for it. You want is Soulmate, you can have it, attention and all.

I think of the day this soulmate realizes how wrong she really is...I just hope this evil that has taken her over releases her, before she loses all her spirit. My friend is gone...but my journey is going to take me to great places..lets go heterosexual life partner, that is if you don't mind a faker.

Thoughts from a psych ward...

Day #2

I sit in a psych ward, surrounded by people with great laughter & bigger despair. My white walled room scares me, with the tiny window for captors to keep watch. Fear was all I could feel the first 12 hours. Now? I feel embarrassed. Which is a negative feeling.....

I'm tired of my fear. It isn't fear of the physical, its all mental. To fall backwards is easy. Am I silly to think I can control it? Look at my control now? Slit, slit...swallow...swallow.

I am tired, but not as exhausted.


Day #5

I'm tired this morning, very tired. I'm not sure if its the drugs that slow me or my own mind.
I am confused.
Certified? 30 days my captors have me. 3 RCH docs and Sab signed the papers. I'm in the damn system. I am mentally ill. How can I ever trust my mind again. I have never felt so uncomfortable.

I need to talk.

Day #7

If all I love is dead to me know, where do I begin? How do I start pulling this apart?

Where is my new lease on life? Where is that "first breath of life" again?
My tears seem so real, the only passion left.

One too many crazy girl.

Day #9

They told me I may go home tonight, and I started to cry. I know I want to go home, my bed, my comfort. But it means giving up the comfort I gained here. Crisis comfort, not life long. I don't know what holds me here, relationships perhaps. That only work on a toxic level. I don't think the etiquette of a psych ward allows these relationships.

Day #11

How can I leave? With the dark inching closer every quickened breath. The tears start to flow, the heart quickens. And my head clouds over, I am done.

I want this demon gone, unsheathe my sword and slice the beast.

I know my inspiration is small, manic and uneven.

I am tired again.


Day #19

This is one hell of a hospital stay. Almost a month. I want to go home.

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
cause Ive found god
Yeah

Im so lonely but thats okay, I shaved my head ...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all Ive heard ...
But I'm not sure
Im so excited, I cant wait to meet you there ...
But I don't care
Im so horny, but thats okay ...
My will is good
Yeah

I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I killed you - I'm not gonna crack

Lithium
Nirvana

What is happening to me?

So they tell me I just may be bipolar.

An excuse?

Perhaps. It makes the day go by easier, your self esteem thanks you for it. A lie? Depends on your opinion of mental health. I say too many people use it as an excuse to behave badly, to get what they want. Even I have succumbed to that and quite easyily I'm afraid. Yet at the end of the day, when you lie in bed and the shadows envelope you, what are your thoughts? Do you pray to god? Do you put your mental and physical health in the almighty's hands? What happens when you don't have faith. Who takes reponsibility for you when you don't believe in god? My guess would be yourself, and now say that you can't trust yourself. That for some reason the choices your making seem to be much more difficult, simple conflicts and your world is in disaray. Your just so damn sad. I don't want such a person in charge of me, of my mental and physical health. Thats where the health part comes in. There is no cure for the blues nor can you always “snap out of it”. Its a balance. Two sides of the spectrum. High's and Low's. I've had the lows, but never any highs. I learned today that my anger, my frustration, my compulsion, my obsession...those are my highs. If I can feel sorry for myself for a minute, I don't even get to feel the incredibale happy high, son of a ..... Today got me thinking in a way I never had. I never thought my blood pumping frustration was anything but me being a bitch.

Not an excuse, more of an understanding.

Can this answer so many questions? I feel raw. Ideas are connecting at such a rapid pace, so many thoughts trying to weed out the useless ones. I'm exhausted and feeling sorry for myself. I want to curl up in bed and call it a day. It seems to me I am moving in the right direction, its just slicing open its path....and I'm not too sure how to handle whats coming out.
Could this be why I crave the butterflies so much, the extreme anxiety that you love even as it causes pain. Oh those stomach muscles never felt so tight, like I had spent 24 hours laughing. Periods of highs and lows in terms of months and years. Boredom equals death. Is this why I crave the drama, get off on it? Is this my high?

If one day you hear me babbling about this “disease”, please just remeber..... it is my faith. It is my way of knowing, things just may get a bit better. All I ask is to live the life I'd imagined.

Mood Disorder

Do you want to know how messed up I really am? I've started about 6 different blogs on this wonderful free blogger site, and I keep coming back to this one. I buy numerous different writing tablets thinking one blank piece of paper will inspire me more than another. I think if I write then all my problems will be solved, now lets see, for that isn't it obvious that I MUST find a perfect shade of white paper, with just the right texture to it, or a new perfect blog for that matter? Nothing seems right. Each blog is lame, each tablet of paper just not good enough. So I start from the beginning, I mean this whole blog started at the same time of my insanity. Well perhaps when the insanity couldn't be hidden in big macs and coke. Each presentation is wrong for this, I can't seem to just write, fuck it all and write. I don't think anyone reads these anymore. I'm on a 4 week stress leave, of course that doesn't take into account that I've been off and on work for quite some time now. I wrote. Thank god I wrote at least something. I leave now as to not stress about how little I leave behind on this page. But its a step... one.