I am sitting here 6:25am…been up since quarter to 5, waiting to sell my soul. The world coming to an end outside my window, the wind and rain adding to my mood. The place dark, only the glow of the laptop illuminating the room of inspiration. Stretched out on my bed with the “amazing green pillow” lying under me, comforting me as it has these many years.

I’m trying to be ok with all these new changes. Adapting and embracing the adventure except one thing…it feels like I’m being forced into a corner. My “little girl behind the door” still letting things happen to her, not speaking up for what she wants or needs.

My new roommate has children, two amazingly cute kids…full of passion for life and all new “shiny” things. I want to be cool, to be fun, to have them love me but at what price? My privacy? It may seem petty, but I stand in a corner and watch my home of 6 years become a stranger to me. Its not about possessions or space, it is just not having the control over my surroundings. And when you have 6 years of history, controlling all around you, it can give you pause to lose it.

When my body and mind are not busy, I tend to get myself in trouble. My anxiety rages and everything around me becomes louder and more noticeable. That is not me, nor the way in which I want to see the world, because then it becomes an enemy.
Throughout my life I have been taught to go out of your way for others. And with my mother it always started with the smallest of things. Your home had to be a perfect picture for guests, if you think you might have plans with another; you dislodge everything around you and stay available. Now the problem is when those plans change and your left wondering home come the people involved didn’t realize that you went to such trouble. I am up this early for another person, who isn’t coming. Circumstances prevent it. But as of 5am I waited to hear what the plan was, by 6am there wasn’t one. I just had to wait an hour to find this out. Not that it was a problem; this was the person I was selling my soul to. The fates protecting me??

I can fill the seats; I just can’t make them behave.

I have to stay busy, or I chance….I don’t want to think about it. Trying to remember words once given to me by an amazing person, “They would call if they were that into you”….a line that works for most things in life. I take it as, if I would go to any lengths to get what I want and if I meet others in my life that don’t, perhaps they are not good “characters” in this play. But where is that line? Between being demanding and being laid back. My two sides…

I think I need a balloon day…