A penguin named Sam...
to live in my bathtub.

Thank you

There is so much I want to write about, but I think I have let too many know about this blog. Too many characters that know each other. Kate has been exposed.

Screw it, if you have something to say...go find Erin...

It has been quite a fall. The summer over, now it was time to pay the price. I'm still not sure if having your life completley change everything you once knew and found comfort in, was a good thing. Or perhaps now I have second thoughts. A little afraid of the silence...

I have to believe it was worth it. I have to make it work for me. I have to become the woman I dream about. The one I know I can be. Without the anger and frustration. Beautiful and creative.

Live my adventure...whatever that may be.

How did I ever get so lucky, as to have these amazing people in my life??

Another day breaks and the last one's gone
You dig deep just to carry on
Your debt's paid off but it don't feel gone
So you slip out the back and you're moving on

I can never figure out how to make a case
That this don't amount to a fall from grace
She wants to know can I replace
This tired wool with satin lace

She says you're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
Put it in the past, put it in the past
If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast

Pressure builds till it breaks the dome
You can build a house you can't build a home
And it's a fool who believes love is bred in the bone
And there's no guarantees that you won't get stoned
Yeah, I'm a fool who believed love is bred in the bone
And there are no guarantees that I won't get stoned

Says you're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
Put it in the past, put it in the past
If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast

I don't know where it leads, oh no
All I know is that I don't wanna breathe this chemical breeze
No more

So another day breaks and the last one's gone
You dig deep just to carry on
Your debt's paid off but it don't feel gone
So you slip out the back and you're moving on

She says you're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
Put it in the past, put it in the past
If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast

Bridge to Nowhere - Sam Roberts

To My Heterosexual Life Partner...

A woman that can cut you off at the knees, with a lick from her sharp tongue and wit...

A woman that can raise you up, make your little world...a little better...

An adventurer, to the core of her heart....

A writer, such an amazing writer....

My friend....my heterosexual life partner.

Damn I am going to miss you...

Let's go live in a treehouse...

A man named Sam...

Who hears sounds as memories…
and drapes himself in house clothes with park colours.
He talks of addiction and of passions, secrets and fears.
Absorbing all that is around him, feeling surreal.
A true character.

A summer of telling stories…
Words of affirmation the form of communication…
For people that hold “touch” as the greatest way of expressing…
A voice, a sound….
A click of a keyboard…
A ring of a phone…
Sam sounds.

What else is in store for a man named Sam?

All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces,
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere,
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very,
Mad world.

Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy birthday,
And I feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen,
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me,
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson,
Look right through me,

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very,
Mad world,
Enlarging your world,
Mad world...

Mad World - Gary Jules (Donnie Darko)

My Phantasmagoria…god I love that word.

Sitting in the room of inspiration, missing my girls, and looking at the walls that inspire such thoughts and ideas. Everything that is “me” are on these walls, my past, my present and my future. They are not possessions, but ideas, dreams and desires. Right now I feel like I need to be inspired once again. Dear friend, it is my cave.

My need? My lust? My phantasmagoria?

My studio, white walls filled with glass frames full of life. The light of the laptops illuminating the single white chair facing them. Camera’s piled in the corner waiting for the eye to once again look through the lenses. To feel the excitement coming from an index finger as you hear the faint “click” of the shutter release button.

A gallery in which I can walk the halls at night and feel at peace. Surrounded by my pictures, my muses. Falling in love with each place and each person all over again.

Fly or Die…

For those that didn’t quite appreciate (Yes I’m talking to you…heterosexual life partner) having a “personal photographer” every moment of the day….its only going to get worse…

I am sitting here 6:25am…been up since quarter to 5, waiting to sell my soul. The world coming to an end outside my window, the wind and rain adding to my mood. The place dark, only the glow of the laptop illuminating the room of inspiration. Stretched out on my bed with the “amazing green pillow” lying under me, comforting me as it has these many years.

I’m trying to be ok with all these new changes. Adapting and embracing the adventure except one thing…it feels like I’m being forced into a corner. My “little girl behind the door” still letting things happen to her, not speaking up for what she wants or needs.

My new roommate has children, two amazingly cute kids…full of passion for life and all new “shiny” things. I want to be cool, to be fun, to have them love me but at what price? My privacy? It may seem petty, but I stand in a corner and watch my home of 6 years become a stranger to me. Its not about possessions or space, it is just not having the control over my surroundings. And when you have 6 years of history, controlling all around you, it can give you pause to lose it.

When my body and mind are not busy, I tend to get myself in trouble. My anxiety rages and everything around me becomes louder and more noticeable. That is not me, nor the way in which I want to see the world, because then it becomes an enemy.
Throughout my life I have been taught to go out of your way for others. And with my mother it always started with the smallest of things. Your home had to be a perfect picture for guests, if you think you might have plans with another; you dislodge everything around you and stay available. Now the problem is when those plans change and your left wondering home come the people involved didn’t realize that you went to such trouble. I am up this early for another person, who isn’t coming. Circumstances prevent it. But as of 5am I waited to hear what the plan was, by 6am there wasn’t one. I just had to wait an hour to find this out. Not that it was a problem; this was the person I was selling my soul to. The fates protecting me??

I can fill the seats; I just can’t make them behave.

I have to stay busy, or I chance….I don’t want to think about it. Trying to remember words once given to me by an amazing person, “They would call if they were that into you”….a line that works for most things in life. I take it as, if I would go to any lengths to get what I want and if I meet others in my life that don’t, perhaps they are not good “characters” in this play. But where is that line? Between being demanding and being laid back. My two sides…

I think I need a balloon day…

I am so tired. Life as I once knew it, completely changed. And even though those changes are healthy and needed, it leaves one a bit drained….
The blog pushed aside, the creativity somewhat dampened. But now the fire is returning, a need to write about those that “took” me away during this time. Wonderful characters, always unforgettable. I wouldn’t choose to fill my life with anything less than a “character”.

I had a constant in my life, a man. In which the learning stopped, and it got ugly. He has always been upset that he has never been spoken of in this blog. My answer, this blog was about me breaking away, finding me…what I so desperately needed to do. And so he still doesn’t get a name, nor a blog.

It may seem harsh but Kate needs to still be on her own. Always adventuring, learning from such characters. Selfish? Perhaps. But as I’m learning from those closest to me, sometimes you have to be a bit selfish.

And through this summer I have pushed away some of those closest to me. Asking them to “let me go”. The situation now? My soul mate with my protector, off on a wintery cold adventure. The heterosexual life partner about to embark to a similar location. Those constant companions leaving, it is what I asked for. I will not follow suit, not just yet. I believed running was the answer, and I’m learning that being the one left behind is a much more difficult experience. A pity party explodes in your mind, how did it all get turned around? It was my adventure to go on, but the “nameless” one took care of that.

Then you have to sit back, take it all in and trust the fates. My adventure just beginning, my comfort zone gone. “What am I going to do next?”. Am I still going to be validated by these characters? Because as I read back over old entries, that is what I have discovered. I soaked up the attention from these people; it is what I needed to do, to start my changes. Can I carry it on, even if they all fall away? Because the only thing you can truly count on in this world, is that everything changes.

I laugh to myself; these characters didn’t know that they were so important to me. Which lead to some “uncomfortable” moments….some cracked out writing and tears. Exposing my weaknesses to try to make myself strong. Knowing full well that letting my thoughts be read was a dangerous thing to do, but I don’t want people in my life that wouldn’t return the favour.

So I will keep writing, keep exposing myself and those that want to use it and treat it unkindly…I have only one thing to say. It is a lesson, and I learn from it, how can I not? Thank you for your time, but you are not needed anymore.

So I go back to the beginning, to my door....