Have you ever written a letter to just get out the battle that rages in your mind? Write all truths, raw and uncensored, never to be read. Yet writing it in hopes that one day someone will read it and understand you a bit better.
I have been allowing stress and madness to take over lately. A week ago I ended up with a bleeding nose at 4 in the morning, a sign that I needed to relax and fast. I’m still not sure if it was a legitimate stress, helped along by outside forces or if I had built it up so much in my head and heart. But now I am somewhat more relaxed, the battle still raging but you feel you have more strength to live with it. Even perhaps addresses it in a blog? Perhaps not.
I have an overwhelming feeling that this part of the journey is coming to an end. It has to be, to keep going on this path would put too many at risk. I have sacrificed a lot to do what I want to do, a selfish act on my part, but life saving. And I can’t regret anything I have done along the way, no time for regrets. It was easy to say it was all about sexuality, but that was just the easiest part to control. It was about people, learning from them again, discovering what I am or what I feel I need to be. Become whole and not fragmented. “Climb your tree Beaner, climb your tree.”
Out of all that I have had the pleasure to meet, there is one that stays with me on a daily basis. My dear friend, the prairie charmer. He touched my heart with his stories, his strength and his kindness. Someone I can call a friend, even miles away. Was there more than a friendship there? I wouldn’t allow myself to think of it that way. Of course there is always that little voice that you have to beat down with your “hello Kitty” zombie protection light, whenever it got too loud.
His life cannot afford anyone else putting anymore pressure on him then he has already put on himself. His selfish but lifesaving act, becoming whole again. I could never entertain ideas that would mean hurting myself or him.
What was created had a level of intimacy that I’m not sure how it happened. But it was comfortable, even reassuring. But I think I became accustomed to it, for when it wasn’t there anymore, I missed it.
The prairie charmer made his way out west not too long ago. “No expectations” was agreed upon, but really, that’s a hard thing to ask, for anyone. You keep an open mind but you have your hopes. That this person will think you are as great in person as you might be “online”. A tall order and hard not to hope for.
As with any first meeting, it was filled with nervousness and excitement, possibly some very sweaty palms. We decided to make this a camping adventure and to include 4 of our very good friends to witness the awkward “getting to know you” stage. So we each had our little poses to throw together for an interesting weekend, of course from my side it was dubbed “come see the whores!” A tasteless joke, yes, but appropriate in its context.
I tend to sit back and get a feel for who people are at first, so you could say I was a bit quiet to begin with. Watching what seemed to be the same shyness coming from him. Cute at first, but then it began to be uncomfortable for me. We had shared some intimate moments, but it also felt like I was doing the chasing. Wasn’t sure where to place those thoughts and with feeling a bit uncomfortable, I hoped a good talk with my friend would help.
What a wonderful time, sitting at the secret secret spot, just being together. Secrets told and hopes revealed. I was able to ask him about the shyness. He reminded me that he warned me; yes he is a funny guy. We left with a better knowledge of each other, what I had hoped for from the whole experience.
Now for this next part, you have to understand the amount of communication him and I had over the last little while. Possibly just a build up in the anticipation of meeting, hmm. And a lot more “serious” type discussions, we are both dramatic people. The innuendo and compliments flew; some miscommunication occurred but was sorted out. But what never left was the underlying intimate closeness we seemed to both want.
The closeness was present on the trip but I had the distinct feeling that I was the instigator of most. Again that chasing feeling creeping in. One thing I was not prepared for was the lack of social conversation with each other. It started getting better, and I was not helping with just watching everything unfold. But it was something that left me wondering. The trip as a whole? Well that is another blog.
This is just about the prairie charmer, and things that were on my mind but will remain on these pages. We agreed to believe, in each other. And I was left with a choice, to believe my dear friend and fight back the mistrust that sometimes flared its ugly clown head or become consumed with it, not be able to open myself up.
He talked of fate and karma before making his trip out here. I asked after if they replied back to him, he said that he has a control over what they show him. Whatever he was asking from them, I don’t think he found it. I do wish somewhere in the back of my mind that I could help him with his difficult journey ahead, but that is to remain on these pages.
I made my choice, to learn more and trust my dear friend. But as my soul mate says “the blog needs to be the rawest form of a person”. So these thoughts remain on here, and quite removed from me. It is done my friend, not a worry.
I have been allowing stress and madness to take over lately. A week ago I ended up with a bleeding nose at 4 in the morning, a sign that I needed to relax and fast. I’m still not sure if it was a legitimate stress, helped along by outside forces or if I had built it up so much in my head and heart. But now I am somewhat more relaxed, the battle still raging but you feel you have more strength to live with it. Even perhaps addresses it in a blog? Perhaps not.
I have an overwhelming feeling that this part of the journey is coming to an end. It has to be, to keep going on this path would put too many at risk. I have sacrificed a lot to do what I want to do, a selfish act on my part, but life saving. And I can’t regret anything I have done along the way, no time for regrets. It was easy to say it was all about sexuality, but that was just the easiest part to control. It was about people, learning from them again, discovering what I am or what I feel I need to be. Become whole and not fragmented. “Climb your tree Beaner, climb your tree.”
Out of all that I have had the pleasure to meet, there is one that stays with me on a daily basis. My dear friend, the prairie charmer. He touched my heart with his stories, his strength and his kindness. Someone I can call a friend, even miles away. Was there more than a friendship there? I wouldn’t allow myself to think of it that way. Of course there is always that little voice that you have to beat down with your “hello Kitty” zombie protection light, whenever it got too loud.
His life cannot afford anyone else putting anymore pressure on him then he has already put on himself. His selfish but lifesaving act, becoming whole again. I could never entertain ideas that would mean hurting myself or him.
What was created had a level of intimacy that I’m not sure how it happened. But it was comfortable, even reassuring. But I think I became accustomed to it, for when it wasn’t there anymore, I missed it.
The prairie charmer made his way out west not too long ago. “No expectations” was agreed upon, but really, that’s a hard thing to ask, for anyone. You keep an open mind but you have your hopes. That this person will think you are as great in person as you might be “online”. A tall order and hard not to hope for.
As with any first meeting, it was filled with nervousness and excitement, possibly some very sweaty palms. We decided to make this a camping adventure and to include 4 of our very good friends to witness the awkward “getting to know you” stage. So we each had our little poses to throw together for an interesting weekend, of course from my side it was dubbed “come see the whores!” A tasteless joke, yes, but appropriate in its context.
I tend to sit back and get a feel for who people are at first, so you could say I was a bit quiet to begin with. Watching what seemed to be the same shyness coming from him. Cute at first, but then it began to be uncomfortable for me. We had shared some intimate moments, but it also felt like I was doing the chasing. Wasn’t sure where to place those thoughts and with feeling a bit uncomfortable, I hoped a good talk with my friend would help.
What a wonderful time, sitting at the secret secret spot, just being together. Secrets told and hopes revealed. I was able to ask him about the shyness. He reminded me that he warned me; yes he is a funny guy. We left with a better knowledge of each other, what I had hoped for from the whole experience.
Now for this next part, you have to understand the amount of communication him and I had over the last little while. Possibly just a build up in the anticipation of meeting, hmm. And a lot more “serious” type discussions, we are both dramatic people. The innuendo and compliments flew; some miscommunication occurred but was sorted out. But what never left was the underlying intimate closeness we seemed to both want.
The closeness was present on the trip but I had the distinct feeling that I was the instigator of most. Again that chasing feeling creeping in. One thing I was not prepared for was the lack of social conversation with each other. It started getting better, and I was not helping with just watching everything unfold. But it was something that left me wondering. The trip as a whole? Well that is another blog.
This is just about the prairie charmer, and things that were on my mind but will remain on these pages. We agreed to believe, in each other. And I was left with a choice, to believe my dear friend and fight back the mistrust that sometimes flared its ugly clown head or become consumed with it, not be able to open myself up.
He talked of fate and karma before making his trip out here. I asked after if they replied back to him, he said that he has a control over what they show him. Whatever he was asking from them, I don’t think he found it. I do wish somewhere in the back of my mind that I could help him with his difficult journey ahead, but that is to remain on these pages.
I made my choice, to learn more and trust my dear friend. But as my soul mate says “the blog needs to be the rawest form of a person”. So these thoughts remain on here, and quite removed from me. It is done my friend, not a worry.
“If I could take the fire out from the wire, I’d share a life and you’d share a life.”
I’ll Believe Anything – wolfe parade
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