Everything starts back at the beginning; it is surprising how it ends up. The tides have changed and I'm feeling it tingling in the toes. A bit sad, but I know it’s for the best. It seems like everyone gets to start again with a clean slate, old habits resurfacing, the cherished that you tried to push away, sitting with anxious eyes, waiting for you to join the game.

I want to stand and walk over to the ones that know me so well, but I feel like an imposter. There are things in me that have changed, and I know it will be embraced with open arms, never any judgments. But I hold on to them tight, not afraid, just want to keep some of it for myself. Is that selfish?

Only one day left until I return to the reality. Or perhaps there is room in this everyday life for the world I have created for myself. Mix the two, not take the whole thing so seriously. Or perhaps it is just my nature, and those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Half a quote from Dr Seuss, a very wise "man".

I've thought about ending the blog, letting it all drop off, a great memory for those times sitting in a deep cushioned library chair, wrapped in a “worn out from all the years” two-toned green crochet blanket, the best you ever had. You sit staring out a darkened window, calm, laughing at the familiar flashes in the mind, pictures from your 29th year.

But then that’s removing your soapbox. Where you express what lies beneath the eyes that seem to be always “working things out” but keep the face that tries not to cause a worry. I’ve really come to enjoy doing this, even with the occasional hiccups, a few moments of discomfort.

“And no I don’t have a medical “hiccup” issue”. A question asked by the plutonic love of my life, an amazing friend of 13 years. Much of who I am today is credit to the lack of advice and constant companionship of this man. One of those “lifers”, full of sarcasm, humour and always a shrug of the shoulders. “That fuckin’ guy”, followed by a rueful shake of the head. This is his choice in blog name; please refer to the previous sentence to get my in-depth, soulful opinion of this decision.

Note to self: Never let the characters pick their own names.

This “fuckin’ guy”, followed by a rueful shake of the head, has given me some of the most wonderful gifts a person could receive. Stories; space stories, vampire stories and even a Choose Your Own Adventure. A playful mind and a gift for the written word. If you have never had a story written for you, I highly recommend befriending someone with these skills. A gift that means so much but is also “cheap, cheap, cheap” (exert taken from The Top 10 Reasons for Giving a Story for Xmas, The Top 10 Reasons for Giving a Vampire Story for Xmas and How Crazy E Saved Xmas).
I pulled these stories out tonight, a smile on my face as I cracked the familiar red and green duo tangs. The room filled with laughter as I read out the interview he gave himself (“fuckin guy”) at the beginning of The Idiot’s Trilogy, Special Edition, a three part fantastic story, written over years.

As I make my way to the comfort of my warm bed and cold green pillow, I do so with laughter being my last action of the evening and a feeling of being ok. That, I can sleep soundly to.

I thought at one point, that by writing this blog, my skills as a writer may increase. That I could get across these random thoughts with skill, intelligence and maybe a bit of wit. To successfully explain the story and give each person a piece of it, if they so wanted. My words have failed me lately, I believe I am expressing them correctly, and I am always aware that words are easily misinterpreted. But they seem to cause so many issues right now, and I am at a loss. The writing has caused arguments and misunderstandings, and that is a shame. I had believed that I could best express myself by doing this, I didn't understand why others felt so differently by what I wrote. I have no other choice but to come to the conclusion that I can't express myself as well as I thought I could.

So to all of those that read what they want not what I say, please ask for assistance if needed. Just ask for Kate or Erin, one will be able to help you out.

Trying something new with the song lyrics...hmm perhaps?

david berkeley

free Lyrics

I had the most perfect day with my soul mate a few days ago. We ran around Metrotown squealing like children and talking way too loud. Purchasing “welcome to our sin” type books, and talking of ideas, grand ideas for the future.

A piece of the sky was given to me that day, by a spiky lipped man named Chris. We were in one of those stores that sell the beautiful swords and clever chess sets. I saw a chest full of the most wonderful rocks. One caught my eye, fantastically blue and flattened on both sides. Perfect for running your thumb across the smooth surface, letting worries melt away, a true worry stone to absorb any negative energy, banishing it. I had asked this spiky lipped man how much it was to buy only one stone. His reply? “Take it, it’s a rock”. What a wonderful man! My soul mate was very impressed and told him that he just gave me a piece of the sky. He looked charmed.

We ended our day sitting at the old sittin’ spot. It is where you are allowed to be insane and feel at home. A patient entertained us by doing cartwheels down the cement steps, laughing and looking towards us to see if we were appreciating his efforts. We were charmed.

I want to speak of the old “sacrificing a beer to the god’s for sun” myth. We had gone camping the weekend before and had one of the prairie boy’s beer left. So on this day, setting up to go camping again, it was cloudy. Perfect BC weather, not raining but threatening it all day.

My soul mate and I decided to sacrifice the beer… We took our sips, toasted to the boys and prayed for the sun. Well she has the faith for both of us; I just wanted a sip of beer.

A short time later, the sun paid a visit, bright and comforting. Did it really work…hmm?

The Moirai have been playing with my thread…the fates cackling...




I can hear the fates laughing with my every step. Whenever the curtain starts to close on this little drama, they pop in old players. For awhile the other players held little fascination for me, too distracted. It seems to be that I’m never left long feeling melancholy before the fates throw in a twist, waiting to see what I do. Destructive vs Adventure, but always a lesson. My lesson lately, you don’t always get the answers. So don’t ask, question or wonder, just let go.

“So, let go. It’s all right. ‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”
Let Go – Frou Frou

Didn't sleep a wink last night. Tossed and turned. A coutdown on the clock, to see it I witness every new hour. Slept beside "love", and it felt empty. One of those nights.

So now this early morning, listening to the old ipod, I ran across this song. A good tune, perfect for my soul mate and I. Coffee?

Old school Green Day...


Sit around and watch the tube,but nothing's on
Change the channels for an hour or two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm fucking lazy

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
And I smell like shit

Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving
I sure as hell can't do it by myself
I'm feeling like a dog in heat
Barred indoors from the summer street
I locked the door to my own cell
And I lost the key

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
And I smell like shit

I got no motivation
Where is my motivation?
No time for the motivation
Smoking my inspiration

Sit around and watch the phone, but no one's calling
Call me pathetic, call me what you will
My mother says to get a job
But she don't like the one she's got
When masturbation's lost its fun
You're fucking breaking

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored
I'm going blind
And loneliness has to suffice
Bite my lip and close my eyes
I was slipping away to paradise
Some say,"Quit or I'll go blind."
But it's just a myth

Longview

A True Rambling...please move on...

I am beaten. I am done. I don’t think I have much left, so I must protect it. At times feeling destructive, thinking of taking opportunities just to clear your head. Wondering how you let it get out of hand. Feeling like this sends your mind exploring any and all twisted thoughts churned into creativity.

These are the best times to create. Sometimes you look back and are proud and awed by what you did, and other times, you’re thankful not many people knew about your “little” project.

So I have an idea. I have worked with music and pictures before, and created a not so cheesy 15 minute, kind of creepy piece displaying Tranquille. I hope. You never know until you see the final project.

There is a piece of music, O Verona (reprise) from Romeo & Juliet Vol.2 soundtrack. It’s the madness music, full of passion and intense operatic voices. As my soul mate would say, “RAIN HELLFIRE” music. I use it to work out to; it’s fantastic for getting maddening energy up. Although where my head has been lately, I keep getting flashes of past events of the last little while. Everything out of control, danger, destruction, but one hell of an adventure.

So what if I took these images and put them to print. Grab a few friends and my camera and shoot.

I see a woman sitting at a small table…hands curled within each other…nervous.
A pretty boy in restraints.
A computer screen, lit blue and illuminating a dark room.
Masculine hands through long feminine hair, pulling, and her mouth opened for a scream, as he sits on her back.
A little silver ring, tossed in a corner, forgotten.
Tears.
A dark studio with the glare from the lights illuminating someone sitting curled up in a green blanket.

Hmmm, the secret secret spot.
A woman in a car, curling her fingers tight around the top of the steering wheel. Her head down, shocked with sadness.
Motel steps leading upwards.
A naked form in front of a mirror, very muted and fuzzy.
A man with grocery bags walking down a busy street, staring accusingly, straight into the lens.
A shot from a moving car, aimed at the wonderfully curvy road behind them. The yellow lines, super bright, are lighting the pavement.

I wonder how I can put the hot, Italian “football” team in there.
Heterosexual Life Partner, care to help with this one?

A figure casting a pinkish hue around the cheeks, a blush.
A most amazing tree house high up amongst the ravage squirrels. *May have to leave the squirrels out of that shot.
A figure in a car, late at night, the parking lot empty and long shadows cast all around the vehicle.
Masturbation, now which one of the girls is up for modeling that one? Beaner?

I’d put my money on soul mate.

Although it could be a male model, one I know might be talked into it, the other? “Uh huh”.

Can this be done, and not come off cheesy? Can the pictures taken become artistic and not bland? I think it might be interesting to find out. Any takers?

The thing I need to find out is, do the images stop? Pack up what I have left, protect it and move on, past these inane thoughts. Or does the destructive win?

“One more smoke, then I’ll go”.

Where does it lead?

To your cave.

Step forward

into your cave.

That's right.

You're going deeper into your cave.

And you're going to find

your power animal.

"Slide".

-Fight Club

August Long

“August Long” he called it. “Party with the prairie boys” us girls called it. Either way it was a crazy adventure. Two people talking, becoming friends, finally meeting. Bringing along 4 great friends to join in a story I’m sure will be talked about when we are 70.

• Beaner trying to climb her tree, embracing her amazon womanhood.

• "The Looker" obsessed with his…beautiful, shiny, yellow bike.

• The eternal hunt for the eggs.

• Tequila, oh so much tequila. We devoured two little men that weekend, one with a little white hat.

• The need for wood all weekend. Take that as you want.

• “Fight to the bitter end” cribbage.

• My soul mate and the gifts the little tree fairies bestowed upon her.

• The secret secret spot. “Where nobody gives a damn” – Wolfe Parade

• Poking sticks and “big” fire.

• Chico…oh Chico, you by far were our favorite.

• Overcoming of fears.

• “Adventurers don’t fall…for the 5th time.

• The prairie charmer and his hunt for the river.

• Snoring or moaning, I couldn’t tell

• Oh the worm….

And a sadness watching them leave, wishing for more time. Exactly how you want to leave an adventure.

So to our Prairie Boys…a fantastic time and fond memories and always an adventure. Thank you

Have you ever written a letter to just get out the battle that rages in your mind? Write all truths, raw and uncensored, never to be read. Yet writing it in hopes that one day someone will read it and understand you a bit better.

I have been allowing stress and madness to take over lately. A week ago I ended up with a bleeding nose at 4 in the morning, a sign that I needed to relax and fast. I’m still not sure if it was a legitimate stress, helped along by outside forces or if I had built it up so much in my head and heart. But now I am somewhat more relaxed, the battle still raging but you feel you have more strength to live with it. Even perhaps addresses it in a blog? Perhaps not.

I have an overwhelming feeling that this part of the journey is coming to an end. It has to be, to keep going on this path would put too many at risk. I have sacrificed a lot to do what I want to do, a selfish act on my part, but life saving. And I can’t regret anything I have done along the way, no time for regrets. It was easy to say it was all about sexuality, but that was just the easiest part to control. It was about people, learning from them again, discovering what I am or what I feel I need to be. Become whole and not fragmented. “Climb your tree Beaner, climb your tree.”

Out of all that I have had the pleasure to meet, there is one that stays with me on a daily basis. My dear friend, the prairie charmer. He touched my heart with his stories, his strength and his kindness. Someone I can call a friend, even miles away. Was there more than a friendship there? I wouldn’t allow myself to think of it that way. Of course there is always that little voice that you have to beat down with your “hello Kitty” zombie protection light, whenever it got too loud.

His life cannot afford anyone else putting anymore pressure on him then he has already put on himself. His selfish but lifesaving act, becoming whole again. I could never entertain ideas that would mean hurting myself or him.

What was created had a level of intimacy that I’m not sure how it happened. But it was comfortable, even reassuring. But I think I became accustomed to it, for when it wasn’t there anymore, I missed it.

The prairie charmer made his way out west not too long ago. “No expectations” was agreed upon, but really, that’s a hard thing to ask, for anyone. You keep an open mind but you have your hopes. That this person will think you are as great in person as you might be “online”. A tall order and hard not to hope for.

As with any first meeting, it was filled with nervousness and excitement, possibly some very sweaty palms. We decided to make this a camping adventure and to include 4 of our very good friends to witness the awkward “getting to know you” stage. So we each had our little poses to throw together for an interesting weekend, of course from my side it was dubbed “come see the whores!” A tasteless joke, yes, but appropriate in its context.

I tend to sit back and get a feel for who people are at first, so you could say I was a bit quiet to begin with. Watching what seemed to be the same shyness coming from him. Cute at first, but then it began to be uncomfortable for me. We had shared some intimate moments, but it also felt like I was doing the chasing. Wasn’t sure where to place those thoughts and with feeling a bit uncomfortable, I hoped a good talk with my friend would help.

What a wonderful time, sitting at the secret secret spot, just being together. Secrets told and hopes revealed. I was able to ask him about the shyness. He reminded me that he warned me; yes he is a funny guy. We left with a better knowledge of each other, what I had hoped for from the whole experience.

Now for this next part, you have to understand the amount of communication him and I had over the last little while. Possibly just a build up in the anticipation of meeting, hmm. And a lot more “serious” type discussions, we are both dramatic people. The innuendo and compliments flew; some miscommunication occurred but was sorted out. But what never left was the underlying intimate closeness we seemed to both want.

The closeness was present on the trip but I had the distinct feeling that I was the instigator of most. Again that chasing feeling creeping in. One thing I was not prepared for was the lack of social conversation with each other. It started getting better, and I was not helping with just watching everything unfold. But it was something that left me wondering. The trip as a whole? Well that is another blog.

This is just about the prairie charmer, and things that were on my mind but will remain on these pages. We agreed to believe, in each other. And I was left with a choice, to believe my dear friend and fight back the mistrust that sometimes flared its ugly clown head or become consumed with it, not be able to open myself up.
He talked of fate and karma before making his trip out here. I asked after if they replied back to him, he said that he has a control over what they show him. Whatever he was asking from them, I don’t think he found it. I do wish somewhere in the back of my mind that I could help him with his difficult journey ahead, but that is to remain on these pages.

I made my choice, to learn more and trust my dear friend. But as my soul mate says “the blog needs to be the rawest form of a person”. So these thoughts remain on here, and quite removed from me. It is done my friend, not a worry.

“If I could take the fire out from the wire, I’d share a life and you’d share a life.”
I’ll Believe Anything – wolfe parade

A strange little song...


Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything
said I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn

and I could take another hit for you
and I could take away your trips from you
and I could take away the salt from your eyes
and take away the spitting salt in you
and I could give you my apologies
by handing over my neologies
and I could take away the shaking knees
and I could give you all the olive trees
oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way
About your blood
your bones
your voice
and ghost
because nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way

and now I'll believe in anything

I'll Believe Anything - Wolfe Parade

To my Heterosexual Life Partner... this is why we are...the way we are.

"And Something's odd - within -
That person that I was -
And this One - do not feel the same -
Could it be Madness - this?"

Emily Dickinson




"Love that is not madness is not love."

Pedro Calderon de la Barca




"But I don't want to go among mad people,"Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat. "or you wouldn't have come here."

Lewis Carroll




"In the end it's all nice"

Sara Goldfarb