Sitting with my soul mate, enjoying our calm we seemed to have created today. No outside forces necessary, but also won’t be refused. Talking of twins and trees with interwoven branches leading up the bare flesh. And of the prairies and the storm that’s rolling in, making one nervous and one, most comfortable. Embracing our child-like minds and trying to figure out why we enjoy horrible things in this world. Maybe that’s the whole point of being child-like, the innocence of the mind, absorbing all, evil and “shiny”.

A weight on my shoulders though, not so relaxed anymore.

“I’ve often thought that it’s the basic anonymity of the net that allows us to be so frank and open without risking ourselves. The test often comes when we throw off the cloak of anonymity and start interacting in a more traditional sense. Can we maintain the same level of intimacy, dare we reveal as much now we can look into the eyes of the other person and read the approval or rejection that’s written.”

“Editing is not a luxury afforded to those who meet face to face.”

-smartass brit

These words speak the rawest of truth, when dealing with the internet. We forget that in the cold hard light of day, your words become second. I had forgotten that. I have been reminded.

It is easy to lose oneself to this world, soaking in attention, trying to not make it the focus. The high of it all, a dangerous thing to play with. So you make it more, a search for a few beautiful souls to learn from, whatever they may teach you. The attention whore has left the building. Waiting for the battleing of wits, a challenge or two from those up to it. An attempt to bring the tangible into your waking sleep. Few have accomplished this, and only one has seen the real “Kate”.

He knew my weakness, this man, intelligence and a beautiful soul. A friendship from the start, a neurotic playing field where anything goes. A room, dark with only a faint bluish light coming from the table. Two naked children sitting around it in uncomfortable wooden chairs, but calmly looking at one another, not able to see each other. The only connection is words, innocent…not thinking of the consequences letting another know the barest of your being.

Although it feels good to not hide the “worst” of your neurotic personality, it makes you wonder how you get yourself to feel “safe’ again. The friendship grew, quite quickly, a trip planned, never any expectations. A high level of comfort from him, a smile to my face on those rough days, so many laughs and a feeling of becoming important in his life. Never any more, never any less.

As with most opposite sex relationships, and due to not actually knowing the person, flirting was present. A kind, make you feel good about yourself, flirt. My type was and is not the usual for him; I never expected it to be. This was not built on that expectation.

But words are dangerous things. And they became more charged and intimate. An intimacy I was comfortable to share with this dear friend. I suspected that he was familiar and good at making women feel special, so I tried not to take things seriously. Laughing and smiling and saying “you charmer”. But the idea was planted, harmless words that made you wonder if something had changed. A game beginning that was fun but you could feel the prickles on the back of the neck…a warning. Too many sweet nothings and too much time spent between lying in bed and when sleep overpowers your senses. I admit, I got caught up. Wondering, just wondering. But then the “average” guy appeared and took back all the beautiful things…leaving you with your eyebrows furrowed and a “but….” , on your lips.

I am a chameleon; I can change myself at a moments notice. When you’re under threat of feeling stupid for your thoughts, you change… BAM. Protect yourself at any cost. I found this hard with my dear friend. Respect, no games, ever. I asked him to explain, to tell me if I’m seeing what he is saying incorrectly. Something I tend to do. Back and forth we went, me asking, him dodging. What is that supposed to be? The children at the table grabbing blankets, covering themselves, one shamed the other….?

I got the hint, who was I kidding! Really, the whole thing way too dramatic, and for what? I changed back, feeling silly for entertaining thoughts, feeling bad because I was always aware of the present situation. But wait, I never started this. I was always the confidant, never asking for more or hoping for it. I may have had my own thoughts or feelings but would never expose them. And left it up to…I don’t know, just left it.

Today a good conversation getting back to our roots. A calm settling in, my dear friend back. The flirting left to a “fate” outcome for him, for me I know. “In the end it’s all nice”. One only has to know the context of that statement to realize that it isn’t a Disney ending.

The children started to share once again, comfortable in their wooden chairs the blankets falling around their shoulders…seeing one another, at last. A soul mate protecting me sneaks in to whisper to the little boy, I can’t make out what they are saying. I decide I don’t need to know, I let my blanket fall farther. Him and I alike in many different ways, feeling like I can’t hide nor do I want to. Feeling good. Still have some wonder but completely satisfied.

The next thing I knew, my soul mate whispered in my ear and looked towards the boy. The little girl grabbed her blanket and ran from the room. The only thing she knew how to do. The sun calling her outside, clear her mind, get away. The embarrassment settling in.

“What do I expect, my dear friend?” Not to have you treat me this way. I don’t play games and I take your lead. My blanket is up, only my eyes showing, wondering how in hell I gave you that impression in a 10 min conversation about a kiss. One that involved “she and he”, not “you and I”. You talk about confusion? Seriously?

I may have played around with ideas, but never have I put them out there…in the open. But yet I feel he was able to grab them and twist them away not giving me the choice of hiding them. Too exposed and with someone not being too careful. This is not what I want to learn from my dear friend.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia