I want to be left alone, to my thoughts, to my melancholy and to my finding out what the hell I am doing. That doesn’t mean social interaction, but to my judges. Trying to go out day to day, and having to answer questions on why I’m not as talkative. Or why I just want to sit alone on coffee breaks, flowers surrounding me, quiet and beautiful. My work once said that I may be taking too much time off, but when I’m there, feeling this way, I get stares. There is a mold you have to fit to do my job, and when your not feeling the “bubbly” vibe, people notice.

I’m getting tired of the rollercoaster. The constant analyzing of my life. Worse part is, I did it to myself. Perhaps it would be easier to go back, make my amends and end this blog. End Kate as we see her on these pages. I haven’t eaten properly in three months, the same goes for sleep. I have found out some things about myself that I thought were forgotten, hidden away. I really like who I am becoming, and enjoy dusting off the parts that have been struggling to be free. But it’s hurting too many people. My friends look at me differently, wanting to know where I am headed. How can I tell them, when I’m not sure myself.

Six months ago I was quite an angry person, hurt by the slightest thing (a habit I’m still trying to break) and defensive…always. I had some people in my life going through some rough spots and I was proud to be there for them. My home, their home, my time was theirs. That gave me a distraction, for the time being. Now I am left to fend off…myself. Knowing I can’t go back, it would kill me. But is it selfish? Am I willing to lose all I have worked on, all that I thought I wanted. My biggest worry in this world is that the answer is yes, and always has been yes.

How can I say to my family, “Just let me go, let me find what I need to find”.