The sun peaking around the black clouds,

TV playing in the background, entertaining the others.

It's a great lazy day way to spend your time off.

My thoughts are lingering on a previous conversation today. My heterosexual life partner is in a tough place right now. She once met a man, a working relationship. When she left the job, it was told to her that this man was quite interested in her. She exchanged msn addy's with him and quickly forgot about the situation. A year later, one week ago, she discovered an unknown person wanting to add her to his msn list. She's adventurous, so she clicked the box "ok".

After some confusion, she soon realized who he was. A flowing conversation, some laughs and a lot of compliments from him followed. Although there may have been a few that came off a bit cheesy, she thought that this could be an interesting situation. Both parties agreed to meet for a opening coffee, to see if there was any interest lingering. When she left that night she was pleasantly surprised and went to bed feeling charmed.

They set a date for this past Saturday, and she did her feminine grooming, feeling those butterflies working. At the time he was supposed to call, the phone didn't ring. Throughout the evening she left two messages for him, just wondering what was happening for the evening. Very casual about it, although she had to start questioning his courtesy.

As of today, Monday, she hasn't heard from him, no explanation nor a "not interested". We got to talking and we tried to come up with why the sexes see things so differently. And is there any claim to women being to analytical, or going psychotic?

These are the words of my heterosexual life partner:

And how did we get to the psychotic? Let's review..... Woman A and Man A met, claim similar interests and agree to met. All went well and Man B left with a grin on his face promising of a date. Something went wrong, a death, an accident, a better option, only she can wonder. Woman A places a minimum set of calls letting him know that she is curious, and hopes all is ok.

Man A does nothing.

Now Woman A has a spunky attitude and quickly starts to become a bit annoyed with the situation. Her pride and her lack of a "stalker" look on life, she lets it be.

And Man A....does nothing.

But now she sits here, believing the worst, angry that he thinks he can harm her. Women A is not a porcelain doll, she will not break.
If Woman A kept calling, Man A would start to fear the situation and assume it's the beginning of the psychotic stage of all female creatures.

Man A......still does nothing.

Yet men wonder how we got psychotic in the first place, *refer to above and reread*.


No, we don't want you to wait till next week to tell us that the same "spark" is just not there. Tell us now. Explaining that you need to break a date verses not showing up, should be an easy one. Done....The End.



My partner feels very strongly and I feel sad that she feels hurt. I agree with some of her intense feelings and know that some of the anger is just not understanding his side, and not being given a chance to.

So now I'm the host of a menbashing evening.....not sure what to include...if anything. Not quite a past to brag about, even in a "bashing" way. I hope he has a great excuse and I hope she can release her pride...just a bit. You never know what may happen.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people

Eleanor Roosevelt

Driving into the city today, crossing the Port Mann, I found myself behind a hearse. The light bulb on the side was lit up signaling for other drivers to use caution, you don't want to get into a car accident with this vehicle. As we made our way off the bridge and into the three lane highway, a thought came to me.

Can a hearse drive in the HOV lane?

Sitting here by the window watching the sun try to make an appearance, Sam Roberts playing and I'm enjoying a french vanilla. But my mind is jumbled, too many thoughts to work out and sort. I figure if I ramble here, it may help.

My drive is such, that if it is something important to me, I will stop at nothing to achieve it. I usually don't see anything wrong with it. It has gotten me as far as I am (and for those who know me, know it's been a long road). Where I seem to be running into problems, is expecting it from others.

This camping trip is becoming a bit of a nightmare. There are those of you who can't seem to come together for anything, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could make it all right again, but you can't keep putting me in the middle and expect me to make the decisions for you. I have some fighting friends which I'm afraid will never be able to mend the pain they caused each other.

All I ask for, is that my birthday is a great time with those I care about most in the world. For those who may be confused due to my extreme privacy issues, my birthday is June 8, and I think that takes care of the rest of the "EPI's". I don't expect the "princess" treatment on my birthday, but I also hoped I wouldn't have to make the tough decisions that could hurt someone.

When I think I'm not a "girly" girl, I fall into the trap. You allow butterflies to take over and you love the day of making yourself extra pretty. Those days where you pamper yourself, trying to make it look au natural. That's the trap I fell into. It makes it even harder when plans change and you can't explain yourself without sounding geeky! It's not often I fall into the trap, pretty easy going and I'm not prone to the "barbie" style, so this surprised me. And at the end you are left feeling silly, as you sit here writing your thoughts with your pampered hair.

Sometimes you have to throw your hands up and surrender. I have been distracted lately and not tending to the everyday things that need to be done (right James!). Allowing the trip to cause stress, I give up. I am going camping from the 8th or 9th to the 12th, I will be getting the overflow across the way. It is open to those who want to come, and for those who can't be in the same room together? Sort it out, I won't choose. It's your fight not mine.

The rain has come and my drink is finished.

Time to end the ramble.

A conclusion:

"Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed"

Studio

I was told today to just say thank you, but it's harder then it looks. How do you thank the people who know just what you need when you need it? How do you begin to tell them how much it means? What to say to those that know your dreams and will do anything to support you?

Do I thank them for being such amazing friends? How lucky I feel to have them in my life. That their gesture was one of those moments that you feel humbled and will never forget.

Sometimes the simplest advice is the best....

thank you

Thoughts From a Treehouse

This past weekend I was able to visit a wonderful place north of 100 Mile. A beautiful ranch in the middle of nowhere, nothing around but nature. We think in the valley that we have access to nature, and it's beautiful here. But up there, it's real.
Part of my stay involved a couple of hours sitting in a most fabulous treehouse. I listened to the sounds around me and let myself relax and write.
These are some of the odd thoughts I had sitting up on the balcony of the treehouse:

-I wonder if the horse that is stalking me can find me up here?

-If it would creep anybody else out, that I can feel the tree I'm sitting against swaying in the wind.

-The chickens have followed me, I am the pied piper of chickens. They are clucking around me in the forest....brave little chickens.

-A deer just walked under me, I think that's the closet I have ever been to one. Outside of a car that is.

-There is a crazy-ass squirrel that is not happy I'm sitting in his treehouse. I hear a patter on the roof and when I look up, he is staring down at me. Then he proceeded to jump into the tree and shake the branches so the needles fell all around me. Give it five minutes and I'm guessing he will be back.

-Everyone should sit in a treehouse.

-Can one be honest and not come off damaged?

-My strength lies when people attack me, I'm not sure what to do with myself when they don't. I have to stop looking over my shoulder and just believe.

-Here comes that damn squirrel again! Is he going to jump on my head?

-I had a little pot and some corona, how am I going to get down from here? Up was easy!

-I set up a freakin eighteen foot teepee today! The woman who lives here runs women's groups and uses the teepee as a spiritual retreat. I hope she lights the fire inside the teepee tonight and we get to enjoy the experience.

-I was told my spiritual animal is a deer. And I just saw another one walk past me. This is amazing.

-I think I want to sleep up here tonight.

-"Bridge to nowhere, and you get their fast...put it in the past." I feel calm.

-Making some changes when I get back home. I've allowed fear to dictate my actions, thought I had put it behind me, but an interesting situation has caused me to think maybe I still fear others. Won't allow the past to haunt me any longer.

-I'm in a freakin treehouse!

-I think I needed this get away, rediscover what is important and what isn't. Live by passion not by doubts.

-Here comes Sarah, scaring my little gang of chickens.

-How am I going to get down?

These are the ramblings of a grown up child sitting in a treehouse.

A new friend commented today that I had not written anything lately. I answered, that if one does not have something interesting to say...well. I think I may have been wrong. It's my blog and I should ramble about all the non important events of everyday life that somehow lead up to changing it.

Take this picture, the front door. Taken at an old tuberculosis sanatorium, abandoned, waiting for someone to discover its history when all have forgotten it.
It is the Doctor's House, or at least the biggest on the property, and the only one with a bright red roof (trust me). I loved the door, so I took a picture.

Funny though, this is the only shot I took of it.

When I got back, I took the film into the darkroom. As I saw the developer do it's magic, I held my breath.
Others may have their opinions but when I finished the print, my thought was, that this was the first picture I ever took that didn't look like a snapshot.

I fell in love, it has it's place as the reason I embarked on this...Sometimes humbling adventure of photography.

Thank you Troy, for listening and not calling the cops.

The Tunnel Troublemakers.

How hard could it be,
to get a slap on the back
from a room full of morons?

Martel - The Cribs

I was given a love for music at a young age, classical music being very important to my mother, she would quiz me on which movement it was or the composer. It should also be said that the "wascally wabbit" helped teach a new generation about the classics. Who doesn't remember Bugs Bunny torturing the opera singer while enjoying pieces from The Barber of Seville. Instrumental scores began to be the modern way to appreciate the symphony. The classic and the fresh coming together and creating a new experience.

Growing up I began to notice soundtrack scores, I could start to place movie preview music to the original score that they borrowed from. Ever since I collect soundtracks, instrumental and vocal, the more obscure the better. I found that you can find "jems" that you would never be exposed too on our radio stations; ex. AM180 from 28 Days Later. Trainspotting is also filled with these and is a personal favorite of mine. My passion lies more with the scores, hearing every instrument, feeling it in your toes. Of course you need a great composer, and there are a few to choose from. Though I found that when a score becomes to much a part of pop culture, it seems to lose some of its impact and dates itself; ex Star Wars or Titanic. Still fantastic pieces of music, just a little conventional. Every so often you come across a score that does it all, you relieve the film but the music can also stand alone. Or you can hear and feel the mood of the film with every note recorded.

I found this in a little movie called Requiem for a Dream. Not a well known soundtrack, although as soon as the film begins you have no other choice but to notice it. Composed by Clint Mansell and featuring the Kronos Quartet, it is one of the very best. The movie itself is a highly intense experience accompanied by a little nausea. It deals with addiction and the absolute nightmare the 4 main characters chase believing it to be their dreams. I had never seen anything so disturbing and raw, I thought about the movie for a week after seeing it. I think if anyone has ever had to deal with addiction, to drugs (legal and illegal), to sex, to love, to belonging, they may find that this story gets deep into your gut and starts tearing away at it. The most positive comment I can make, is that it teaches tolerance. Everyone has a story, don't judge the women on the skytrain muttering to herself so quickly.

So with this intro to the movie, you can only imagine the music composed to help the story rip and tear into your conscience.
The soundtrack is split into the same three seasons as in the movie, Summer, Fall and Winter. Throughout the score there is a repeating piece of music performed by the Kronos Quartet. It usually accompanies the beginning of every season, an overture symbolizing the needs of the characters. A very haunting if not sad melody of strings,piano and percussions. As the story continues and the lives of the players become more disjointed the same piece of music changes to reflect the mood. You start to notice more ambient sounds throughout, it becomes a bit disorganized and frantic. At the beginning of "winter" that piece has been reduced to nineteen seconds and filled with a high-pitched resonance and a tearing sound of which I can not place it's origin. Winter is not a peaceful time in the movie and the soundtrack does a fantastic job adding to the distressing material you are witnessing in the comfort of your home. I wouldn't say the it is the best on the soundtrack but when you hear it playing on your stereo, you will find yourself becoming uncomfortable listening to it. The second to last track is Winter: Meltdown, and is so called because of the three minutes and nineteen seconds near the end that propels the movie into a NC17 rating. The worst possible nightmares are happening during this time and the piece reflects it by it's discombobulated notes and disorganized sounds. The music itself can give you a nausea feeling in the pit of your stomach, it's a hard point in the story to watch and its even worse accompanied by the soundtrack.

Then it's over, all goes quite except for a small bass beat and you start to hear the familiar strings of the overture. Except there is no more ambient noise, just the orchestra. Each note is held longer and this creates a melancholy symphony, it fills your soul and gives you a lasting impression. It's the end for the characters, and you are left staring at the screen wondering "did I really see that?". Winter: Lux Aeterna plays on, and you can hear the desperation in every note, the sadness fills the speakers and you are either thanking "god" you passed on grass or having a extreme sensation to take a shower.

I was told about this movie, every detail and situation, it still seemed to punch me in the stomach and I believe it was due to this amazing soundtrack. I enjoy the cd from time to time, the more I listen, the more I appreciate how much work went into having it compliment every emotion of the film.

Some might say, "Why watch or listen to something like this?". I would have to respond, "Not everything can end with Bugs Bunny strumming the old banjo".

Sometimes life is just about learning what you can from the people you meet everyday. If you break it down to its simplest form, all relationships are there to teach you something. Sometimes it's about music, films, ideas and at times they can open your mind to experiences never imagined. When the adventure is over it's time to move on. You start to hurt each other when you have nothing to offer one another. It's always a bitch at this point, your best hope is that the other person feels the same way and it's painful when it's you that doesn't get the hint.

When it does work out though, it's fantastic. I'm lucky enough to have found myself in the company of some amazing individuals. From the friends that feel like you've known them for a lifetime, the lovers that taught you "everything else you wanted to know about sex", and to the hard lessons from those not careful with matters of the heart.

Thank You

Beauty in the Most Unlikely Places

I saw beauty in the hospital today. Just when you start to notice the "business" side of health care, you see something that you will remember forever.

A very sick man in intensive care....probably not going to live on this earth very much longer. His wife sitting faithfully at his side. The couple were middle eastern and she was stroking his hand while singing a prayer for her love. She smiled at me as I walked up to the bed. As I completed the procedure you could no longer hear the beeps and blips of the ICU machines around us. All you heard was her beautiful voice. Not a sad sound but a melody filled with hope and beauty. I found myself tearing up, I felt at peace standing there.
As I went to walk away the wife smiled at me again, a smile that thanked us for taking care of her love. No matter what the outcome she is at peace with the world. Leaving the ward I felt calm and peaceful. When I think about it I can feel it all over again. A moment of clarity that will stay with me a lifetime.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Breathe Me-Sia
Six Feet Under 2001-2005