"Stop thinking and feel".

Advice from a professional. Hmmm. And what if you don't trust yourself. What if you spent your life being told that "feelings" are uncomfortable and messy, and they never get you anywhere in life. Think..that is what you have to do...think. Never trust your heart only your mind. And your mind can talk your heart out of anything.

After 29 years of this...my heart is closed. My mind is the only thing that brings me comfort.

"Today I found my friends, in my head" Lithium - Nirvana.

Creativity is hard when you over think it. So I opened my heart, just a bit...to become this photographer I fancy myself to be. Perfect example of the struggle... A lab, precisely measured elements to maintain focus, or someone can be hurt. It is all about thought...routine...being the best..at ALL times. That is my job. My dream? To fly, to make love, to create at all hours....to have the world fall in love with my eyes. To create that passion with a photo, and to hopefully have others see what I so desperately try to show.

Constant struggle between feeling and thinking. Don't feel to much at the "job", it can destroy you. And don't "think" about art, you can destroy it.

Feel don't think....a dangerous thing this "professional" asks of me.

How to ATTRACT a Man?? An article that was thrown at me during a recent trip onto the internet.

“As her emotional attachment grew stronger and stronger, she also grew more and more insecure.”

That line caught half of my attention so I continued to read, wondering how bad, merchandising related, did it get?
The following story it gave me, for the most part was all pretty obvious, some good points but nothing that would change the way men and women related to each other. And then it spiraled to this…

Did it mean that she needed to put everything on the line and REALLY let him know how she felt?
She finally decided that she couldn't go on like this anymore... she had to be with him.

The first line makes a very good point. Why do women feel that they have to expose themselves completely to let someone know “about them”. And when time runs out on that satisfactory feeling of attention and love, then you crank it up a notch. Women’s souls are deep, we do and think some strange things…we can “outdo” our last emotional discovery and release…10 times over. Each time is hard, and we usually have the few moments afterwards questioning our sanity. “what…why did I just say that?” But never think you can reach the bottom.

I do believe that both sexes can do this, not all men out there lack this ability. We do think differently in some situations, but there is a basic human nature need for love and attention. Beyond the physical.
As a dearest friend once (or twice…) said to me, “Men are asses.” True…very true but it still doesn’t give them permission to be so. It is unfair to use it as a “crutch”, almost as unfair as woman using their PMS to get away with being a complete c***. Its taking advantage of real differences between us, but excusing them. Men can be asses, they think about things differently then us, but some men are better than the “ass” label.

Now the second part of that quote; “..she had to be with him”.

What society has taught us was if we try hard enough and love “deep” enough than no man can resist. How else to explain our crushes, those ones back in high school. A teacher or a boy 3 years ahead of you, love…you were in complete love. Now think back…would you still want a life with them? A house, kids, someone you could spend your time arguing with and you would just call it passion? Or do you shake your head and say to yourself “wow…I was…just a tad…psychotic”.

I don’t believe you can feel love if it isn’t reciprocated. A crush, a desire, a need…yes. But love? The bottom line of love for me is someone that has never made me feel…bad..about myself. You don’t wonder, if he will call, or why he hasn’t called yet. You’re not afraid to touch their back in bed, fearing they will pull away. You are just comfortable, you don’t question, and you just know that other person is there. I don’t think I have ever loved someone and not shared it with them. Oh I have obsessed and pined after people, but will never claim I loved them. How could I? It was not equal. That of course doesn’t take into account those “asses” that we have all met. Cruel people that give men a bad name. On the other hand, much like “men are asses” doesn’t give them permission to be an ass. Same goes for the sensitivities of a woman, doesn’t give them permission to be cruel and hurtful or psychotic. You just need to learn to pick a member of the opposite sex that compliments your personality, and then the differences become easier to manage.

But this “book” I found on the internet preyed on the females that may not be able to see the line between crush and love. It tried hard to say that you needed an initial attraction to even begin this “amazing new courting” system. But then followed up with something like this…

“One does that by creating ATTRACTION from the beginning.

One does that by understanding the dynamics of how and why men have the physical and emotional response of ATTRACTION triggered.

One does that by knowing what you're doing FROM THE BEGINNING.

And what's the best way to learn THAT skill?

I thought you'd never ask...”

And now we get the price…more promises of “amazing” secrets and your email addy needed. Yeah…right.

So at the end of the day, I didn’t learn how to attract a man. I guess go back to lots of cleavage, because this piece of…advice I found tells me to never talk to a man, he doesn’t want to hear it. They are skittish creatures..those men.

This year Xmas has snuck up on me. Hard to believe since we have been subjected to the marketing since Halloween. But as the years pass you come to the conclusion that EVERY year will seem like companies start Xmas extra early and it will get more and more commercial, as we are the masses that cry out for bigger and better.

So the Xmas spirit has not paid his visit to my door, my hallway bare and the ghost of Halloween hanging in my kitchen window..remains that, a Halloween ghost. Usually I would put a shiny silver piece of garland around his head and call him the ghost of Christmas present. This year has passed rather silently and I hope it continues…my heart just isn’t in it this time around.

But I understand that I must do my best to squash the scrooge and bring in Snoopy and his Christmas. Oh Clarence! Where are you when I need you?

So tonight I chose to recall a memorable Xmas, one of the very best…eleven years ago. I don’t remember feeling as ill as I did that year…a very nasty flu to spoil the festivities a week before Christmas. That was the year I first read Pride & Prejudice, a gift given by a long lost Quebec teacher. I had nothing else to do but read about the total anguish of Ms. Bennett’s and Mr. Darcy’s lack of love life. All its missing is just a bit of smut. My feminine side loved the idea of an equal, perhaps a little “fight” to the relationship, and I hoped the hero’s would win. My masculine side said, “61 chapters of wanton temptation and then…nothing”. Still, it is truly a cherished and loved book.

I ended up coming out of my sick cave for a gathering at my family home that year. During the evening, without realizing what I did, I drank out of my fathers glass. And yes him and I woke on Christmas morning, dragged our sorry butts downstairs and curled up on the couch. We opened the gifts, that at the time couldn't faze me out of the constant headache destroying my brain. Overall the whole family was less than excited at the thought of dressing up and heading out for our annual “fit the house people mold” evening of high dress and an insanely expensive dinner.

The tension was high that morning, and no one felt that Christmas spirit flowing in the air. Until…and I can’t remember which one of us said it first, “this Christmas really sucks..”. We stopped and looked around, nobody but ourselves to impress, a nice warm house and a beautiful 8 foot tree. We tore off our shiny blouses and kilts, and happily sank back into our pj’s. Food was scare but we found an oriental restaurant that was open.

The rest of the evening passed beautifully, our cartons of Chinese food littering my mom’s beautiful living room and our bellies full, falling asleep in front of the glowing tree. At that moment Christmas had become the holiday it was meant to be.

So when the crazy mall drivers snap that last nerve, or when your missing that butterfly feeling of the holidays…I remember what it felt like that one year…a most perfect celebration.

I live for today, but long for tomorrow.
I'm thoughtful yet sarcastic.
I understand myself, yet I confuse others.
I'm hardworking & lazy.
I like to dream, but hate to sleep.
I love music, but can't sing.
I love snow yet hate the cold, and I love the sun yet hate the heat.
I enjoy trying new things but hate to change.
I have been in love and had my heart broken.
I like meeting new people, but I am shy.
I have my weaknesses but, I live by my strengths.

*REVAMP*

Alright, I was politely told these past few days, that my song lyrics blogs were a bit dry. I don't add or write about why I enjoy the song. And I agree. This is my way of expressing, but in such a public format I do have to make it somewhat entertaining for the few people that take the time to read it.

I saw a movie a short while ago called "Closer". Interesting little film. Especially if you have had any experience with using sex as a form of love and attention. And there is a great scene involving cybersex that will have you laughing your ass off. There was a lot of familiarity in this movie. And this song plays at the beginning and the end of it. And it sticks in your head.

Is there something in the lyrics or the voice of the singer that hits a cord in me? Perhaps. Maybe that is why I hum it at work and get strange looks from coworkers.

Music is a part of my soul. And I hear a personal soundtrack when I make my cd's. They usually display parts of me at that moment in time. Every song on this blog, matched what was happening in my life, and I record it here...never to forget.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you...
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice

A penguin named Sam...
to live in my bathtub.

Thank you

There is so much I want to write about, but I think I have let too many know about this blog. Too many characters that know each other. Kate has been exposed.

Screw it, if you have something to say...go find Erin...

It has been quite a fall. The summer over, now it was time to pay the price. I'm still not sure if having your life completley change everything you once knew and found comfort in, was a good thing. Or perhaps now I have second thoughts. A little afraid of the silence...

I have to believe it was worth it. I have to make it work for me. I have to become the woman I dream about. The one I know I can be. Without the anger and frustration. Beautiful and creative.

Live my adventure...whatever that may be.

How did I ever get so lucky, as to have these amazing people in my life??

Another day breaks and the last one's gone
You dig deep just to carry on
Your debt's paid off but it don't feel gone
So you slip out the back and you're moving on

I can never figure out how to make a case
That this don't amount to a fall from grace
She wants to know can I replace
This tired wool with satin lace

She says you're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
Put it in the past, put it in the past
If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast

Pressure builds till it breaks the dome
You can build a house you can't build a home
And it's a fool who believes love is bred in the bone
And there's no guarantees that you won't get stoned
Yeah, I'm a fool who believed love is bred in the bone
And there are no guarantees that I won't get stoned

Says you're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
Put it in the past, put it in the past
If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast

I don't know where it leads, oh no
All I know is that I don't wanna breathe this chemical breeze
No more

So another day breaks and the last one's gone
You dig deep just to carry on
Your debt's paid off but it don't feel gone
So you slip out the back and you're moving on

She says you're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
Put it in the past, put it in the past
If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast

Bridge to Nowhere - Sam Roberts

To My Heterosexual Life Partner...

A woman that can cut you off at the knees, with a lick from her sharp tongue and wit...

A woman that can raise you up, make your little world...a little better...

An adventurer, to the core of her heart....

A writer, such an amazing writer....

My friend....my heterosexual life partner.

Damn I am going to miss you...

Let's go live in a treehouse...

A man named Sam...

Who hears sounds as memories…
and drapes himself in house clothes with park colours.
He talks of addiction and of passions, secrets and fears.
Absorbing all that is around him, feeling surreal.
A true character.

A summer of telling stories…
Words of affirmation the form of communication…
For people that hold “touch” as the greatest way of expressing…
A voice, a sound….
A click of a keyboard…
A ring of a phone…
Sam sounds.

What else is in store for a man named Sam?

All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces,
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere,
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very,
Mad world.

Children waiting for the day they feel good,
Happy birthday,
And I feel the way that every child should,
Sit and listen,
Went to school and I was very nervous,
No one knew me,
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson,
Look right through me,

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles it's a very very,
Mad world,
Enlarging your world,
Mad world...

Mad World - Gary Jules (Donnie Darko)

My Phantasmagoria…god I love that word.

Sitting in the room of inspiration, missing my girls, and looking at the walls that inspire such thoughts and ideas. Everything that is “me” are on these walls, my past, my present and my future. They are not possessions, but ideas, dreams and desires. Right now I feel like I need to be inspired once again. Dear friend, it is my cave.

My need? My lust? My phantasmagoria?

My studio, white walls filled with glass frames full of life. The light of the laptops illuminating the single white chair facing them. Camera’s piled in the corner waiting for the eye to once again look through the lenses. To feel the excitement coming from an index finger as you hear the faint “click” of the shutter release button.

A gallery in which I can walk the halls at night and feel at peace. Surrounded by my pictures, my muses. Falling in love with each place and each person all over again.

Fly or Die…

For those that didn’t quite appreciate (Yes I’m talking to you…heterosexual life partner) having a “personal photographer” every moment of the day….its only going to get worse…

I am sitting here 6:25am…been up since quarter to 5, waiting to sell my soul. The world coming to an end outside my window, the wind and rain adding to my mood. The place dark, only the glow of the laptop illuminating the room of inspiration. Stretched out on my bed with the “amazing green pillow” lying under me, comforting me as it has these many years.

I’m trying to be ok with all these new changes. Adapting and embracing the adventure except one thing…it feels like I’m being forced into a corner. My “little girl behind the door” still letting things happen to her, not speaking up for what she wants or needs.

My new roommate has children, two amazingly cute kids…full of passion for life and all new “shiny” things. I want to be cool, to be fun, to have them love me but at what price? My privacy? It may seem petty, but I stand in a corner and watch my home of 6 years become a stranger to me. Its not about possessions or space, it is just not having the control over my surroundings. And when you have 6 years of history, controlling all around you, it can give you pause to lose it.

When my body and mind are not busy, I tend to get myself in trouble. My anxiety rages and everything around me becomes louder and more noticeable. That is not me, nor the way in which I want to see the world, because then it becomes an enemy.
Throughout my life I have been taught to go out of your way for others. And with my mother it always started with the smallest of things. Your home had to be a perfect picture for guests, if you think you might have plans with another; you dislodge everything around you and stay available. Now the problem is when those plans change and your left wondering home come the people involved didn’t realize that you went to such trouble. I am up this early for another person, who isn’t coming. Circumstances prevent it. But as of 5am I waited to hear what the plan was, by 6am there wasn’t one. I just had to wait an hour to find this out. Not that it was a problem; this was the person I was selling my soul to. The fates protecting me??

I can fill the seats; I just can’t make them behave.

I have to stay busy, or I chance….I don’t want to think about it. Trying to remember words once given to me by an amazing person, “They would call if they were that into you”….a line that works for most things in life. I take it as, if I would go to any lengths to get what I want and if I meet others in my life that don’t, perhaps they are not good “characters” in this play. But where is that line? Between being demanding and being laid back. My two sides…

I think I need a balloon day…

I am so tired. Life as I once knew it, completely changed. And even though those changes are healthy and needed, it leaves one a bit drained….
The blog pushed aside, the creativity somewhat dampened. But now the fire is returning, a need to write about those that “took” me away during this time. Wonderful characters, always unforgettable. I wouldn’t choose to fill my life with anything less than a “character”.

I had a constant in my life, a man. In which the learning stopped, and it got ugly. He has always been upset that he has never been spoken of in this blog. My answer, this blog was about me breaking away, finding me…what I so desperately needed to do. And so he still doesn’t get a name, nor a blog.

It may seem harsh but Kate needs to still be on her own. Always adventuring, learning from such characters. Selfish? Perhaps. But as I’m learning from those closest to me, sometimes you have to be a bit selfish.

And through this summer I have pushed away some of those closest to me. Asking them to “let me go”. The situation now? My soul mate with my protector, off on a wintery cold adventure. The heterosexual life partner about to embark to a similar location. Those constant companions leaving, it is what I asked for. I will not follow suit, not just yet. I believed running was the answer, and I’m learning that being the one left behind is a much more difficult experience. A pity party explodes in your mind, how did it all get turned around? It was my adventure to go on, but the “nameless” one took care of that.

Then you have to sit back, take it all in and trust the fates. My adventure just beginning, my comfort zone gone. “What am I going to do next?”. Am I still going to be validated by these characters? Because as I read back over old entries, that is what I have discovered. I soaked up the attention from these people; it is what I needed to do, to start my changes. Can I carry it on, even if they all fall away? Because the only thing you can truly count on in this world, is that everything changes.

I laugh to myself; these characters didn’t know that they were so important to me. Which lead to some “uncomfortable” moments….some cracked out writing and tears. Exposing my weaknesses to try to make myself strong. Knowing full well that letting my thoughts be read was a dangerous thing to do, but I don’t want people in my life that wouldn’t return the favour.

So I will keep writing, keep exposing myself and those that want to use it and treat it unkindly…I have only one thing to say. It is a lesson, and I learn from it, how can I not? Thank you for your time, but you are not needed anymore.

So I go back to the beginning, to my door....

House person vs. Park Person

A house person is someone surrounded by people but not one in the crowd knows them. They are never truly themselves, always grasping at what society tells them they need.

A park person is someone that can and will sit in a huge field for hours at a time, go for a long walk or straddle a log talking to a stranger. The world open and ideas flowing…with a sharp wit aimed at the house people.

There are some that live in a “house” world, but have their heart locked securely in the forest, climbing a waterfall and commencing the “3 hour car sit”.

I had quite an adventure this past week or so…the one my soul mate called my “twin”. I wasn’t too sure about that but we did pass a few fairly entertaining emails. A combination of “getting to know you” diatribe and inane ramblings about clowns, elephants, socks and “them”. A charmer to the fullest, able to ramble and give me his quintessential; Mr. *insert a word here*, list of 5 songs. Which strangely enough listed around seventeen, but I was quickly informed that there were only five. Mr., *wit*, had a control and sense of sarcasm that was…just…charming. I was chastised for it, which in turn charmed me more. A “park person” emerging the longer he hung around the one he found so weird.

A 24-hour adventure; to begin at 8am Saturday morning and end 8am Sunday morning. Who could say no? So Mr. *adventure*, bought his plane ticket from my hometown to arrive here, for what reason? A chemistry? Just a keen sense of adventure? What’s the worst that could happen?

With sweaty palms holding a cup of XXX caffeine coffee, I waited. Watching the plane land, wondering how I should stand…will he have a penguin trailing along behind him? And there he came, the stranger that flew out for 24 hours.

The rule for the 24-hour adventure? Don’t kill him, everything else is negotiable. I took him to the places I am at home in, the secret spot, the cliff, and the “sittin spot”. You could see the duality of his personalities, house vs. park. He spoke of the reality possibilities of the “sittin spot”, not knowing I rally with others to leave it the hell alone. But then I watched with amazed eyes as he let a fly land on his fingertips. Staring intently at the little creature, stating, “your flies are different here, they are coloured blue”, while he provided a temporary home, moving his hand to accommodate his visitor.

We sat and walked, were silent and talked. A day in each other’s spaces, finding out all we could, or wanted to. Some discussion of the “hard truths”, past relationships, and future plans. No expectations, just be what it may. Too many rules from someone that has had their fare share of “house women”. But I smiled and nodded, I came for the adventure, and chance to get to know someone truly challenging.

I had kept from Mr. *don’t like sick people, the fact that I hadn’t been feeling well for the last few days. But trying my hardest to tell my mind that I was not getting sick. But even with my amazing mind powers, by the time 8pm hit, I was feeling lightheaded and tired. The conversation seemed to slow a bit, my mind a blank. We had dinner and he felt the after effects of a full plate of amazing Greek food.

By the time we got back to his hotel room, I think we were both feeling the calm settling in. We ended the evening, with his arm around me and talking of the interesting lives lived by those in Hogwarts. The park person, holding me as I fell asleep, never moving his arm. I tried on my “coffee wench” skills early the next morning. Mr. *hate mornings, was an interesting site, not his best time…although once again I found it charming. Really what is my fondness for such things?

A quick drive to the airport and the stranger left my world once again. The kiss goodbye indicative of people that have only know each other for 24 hours…quick and friendly. But then again…I only was able to gargle with mouthwash, wasn’t jumping at the chance to have that the last impression.

We had played with our fantasies, a trust needed and gained after such a short time knowing of each other’s existence. But left the date without the full experience. A disappointment? Not really, and his response as his cloudy head began to wake….”we emotionally bonded”.

An analyzer I am, and will always be, but with this adventure? No need. You just need to sit back and smile. A hope to learn more, and if not? A true shame, but all I can do is smile about the time a boy flew out to meet me for 24 hours.

Behold, I show you a mystery;

we shall not all sleep,

but we shall all be changed, in a moment,

in the twinkling of an eye...

Corinthians

To my soul mate…on her adventure…
I am so very proud…
May your door lead you anywhere...
__________________________________________

Anyone who's ever had a heart
Wouldn't turn around and break it
And anyone who's ever played a part
Wouldn't turn around and hate it

Sweet Jane
You're waiting
For Jimmy down in the alley
Waiting there
For him to come back home
Waiting down on the corner
And thinking of ways
To get back home

Sweet Jane
Anyone who's ever had a dream
Anyone who's ever played a part
Anyone who's ever been lonely
And anyone who's ever split apart

Sweet Jane
Heavenly widened roses
Seem to whisper to me
When you smile

Sweet Jane

Cowboy Junkies (Original Lou Reed)

A good ol’fashioned Timbit’ing.

A term I hadn’t heard since becoming this “adult” that I supposedly am. A childish way of revenge. Peg the person that pisses you off with the innocence of the “bite size donut”. The powdery cream filled bits always seem to make the most impact, or so I was told. Never was a part of a drive by timbit’ing, nor did I truly believe the existence of these Timmy terrorists.

I shared this piece of useless knowledge with my soul mate; she absolutely had to start her “shit list”, of those that deserved said timbit’ing.

When I get mad
And I get pissed
I grab my pen
And I write out a list
Of all the people
That won't be missed
You've made my shitlist – L7 (Natural Born Killers Soundtrack)

“If you see this woman…run”


With that said, the previous drama had come to a head. A showdown…took back my control and respect, made my prairie charmer my dear friend again. And that “relationship” is finally working in the right direction.

An adventure is-a stirrin in the air. My protectors allowed me to appreciate my home again, the cruelty stopped after a most amazing day in the park. My soul mate and I following the shade of the tree, leaving bum prints in the fresh grass and creating tiny nests made out of pulled blades. Five hours of letting things go, just bringing that little girl out from behind the doors and inviting her to a “park sit”. Speechless is how that day left me.

The smells of my childhood came rushing back and they were wonderful. Looking at this place again, wondering if it could hold a future for me. Reconnecting with it, just for awhile, seeing what happens. A move out there? Yes, and with my fellow adventurers, it is bringing all I love here, with me. My heterosexual life partner, excited at the idea…wanting to leave BC now. My soul mate and our protector, creating a safe place for all of us to play. How could I pass this up?

I had ceased making contact with anyone new from the internet, not really in the same “frame of mind” I once was in May. But on a quick journey back to cyberspace, I ended up coming across…well another from my home town. A curious fellow filled with jokes about muffins and oozing the sass that excites me so.

A strange conversation and even stranger offers.
But the strangest part, it didn’t feel so strange at all.

Interesting thought on the blogs to come…

*REVAMP OF BLOG*

Now it has come to my attention that some may have been only warranted a small portion of this blog and would like it to be rectified...

"P****** says:
i was thinking something more along the lines of...

Kate says:
oh i can't wait

P****** says:
I had ceased making contact with anyone new from the internet, not really in the same “frame of mind” I once was in May. But on a quick journey back to cyberspace, I ended up coming across…the greatest human being to ever grace mankind with his presence."

And then segue into..."An intriguing and mysterious fellow full of witty, urbane and sophisticated jokes, oozing the pure sexuality that excites me so"
Followed by..."A strangely entertaining and completely captivating conversation followed, full of compelling insights and enticing offers."

Closing with..."I feel that the earth moved...the ground quaked...my womanhood begged to be taken...I have met HIM...my Yahweh...my God...I am His chosen one!"

Something like that..."

And so the blog ends....with a wicked grin on my face.

And you open the door and you step inside
We're inside our hearts
Now imagine your pain is a white ball of healing light
That's right your pain, the pain of self is a white ball of healing light

I don't think so

This is your life
Good to the last drop
Doesn't get any better then this
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

This isn't a seminar and this isn't a weekend retreat
Where you are now you can't even imagine what the bottom will be like

Only after disaster can we be resurrected
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything
Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart

This is your life...
It doens't get any better then this
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else
We are all part of the same compost heap
We are the all singing all dancing crap of the world

You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet
You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grande latte
You are not the car your drive
You are not your fucking khakis

You have to give up
You have to realize that someday you will die
Until you you know that, you are useless

I say let me never be complete
I say may I never be content
I say deliver me from swedish furniture
I say deliver me from clever art
I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth
I say you have to give up
I say evolve and let the chips fall where they may

This is your life...
It doesn't get any better then this

This is your life...
And it's ending one minute at a time

You have to give up

"I want you to hit me as hard as you can"

Welcome to fight club...

If this is your first night...

You have to fight.

Tyler Durden

I shot my third wedding this past Saturday. Hmm not too sure if I’m really comfortable yet. All those family members, distraught brides, impatient guests and more importantly the bastards that shoot off their flash when I take a shot. Say with me, “I will not use my cheap ass camera when the photographer is shooting a wedding”. Please spread that around.

This wedding location was down in the good ol USA. The bride and groom from Canada but the family are south of the border. And unfortunately I would have had a hard time being able to work down there. So I figured I would just say I was heading down to a mall about an hour away. Just a little white lie. So my heterosexual life partner a.k.a. photography assistant for the day, set out for what was going to be a long day.

Sept 11 is just around the corner so the border was on high alert. We had a bomb-sniffing dog making his way around our car. Sitting in our seats, trying to not look terrorist like…wondering what would you do if you heard the dog bark or whine.

After the long wait, inching closer to the gates, we found ourselves faced with a guard that takes his job really seriously. We passed over our passports and id, and he asked us our destination. I recited my well thought out fib and waited to be told to “carry on”. The middle aged guard looked at our id and said “what does the US have that Canada didn’t?” I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that, so I unfortunately said the first thing that came to mind. “Interesting shops?”, with my voice raising higher at the end, just to punch in the sass. Opps. I was met with a sideways scowl from my very frightening border guard. He shook his head, without a trace of a smile and looked closer at out ID’s.
He flipped my heterosexual life partner’s ID over and she had a list of any prescription drugs she is currently on…for emergencies. He looks at her, and she states in her best, I’m really friendly please don’t anally search us, voice. “Its for if I get in an accident and the hospital needs to know what I’m on”. A piece of advice I bestowed on her after seeing all the horror stories in the trauma room.
He let us go through with a look of complete annoyance and a hope never to see these two Canadians again.

The wedding went off without a hitch, cloudy, threatening rain, but not a drop to spoil the ceremony. And then we went to a park for the professional shots, and it poured. Not just poured, more like the small drops falling rapidly leading to a full soaking. The bridal party looking like drowned rats after 10 minutes standing around playground equipment. My main camera decided to kill its battery and my spare…dead from sitting too long. We made a decision to head back to the reception and figure it out there.

We did the shots in a fantastic backyard next door. The bride releasing the look of horror on her face, the smile returning. I was a pro, while inside I wanted to run down the street, screaming, and camera falling to the ground. But I finished the job and enjoyed this funny group of people celebrating, loving every “flowing champagne” moment. From the magical fountains that flowed chocolate to the thievery of a party favour, it was a good night made more memorable by the interesting events.



We tried to find our way back out of the “children of the corn” territory to the safety of our country. As we were stopped at out border, Canada only a foot away, we had to say that we were at a mall for 9 hours and our total amount of purchases? Zero. We were not surprised to hear the guard say “please turn off your engine and open your trunk”. She rifled through the camera bag and proceeded to tell me she could impound the whole lot. I didn’t register it coming through so there is no way to prove its mine. One would think the dings and general usage marks might be a clue. But I had learned my lesson, pissing off a border cop…not a great idea. I smiled and felt my stomach churning; wondering when exactly is it appropriate to soil myself.
She let us pass, with a warning not to bring my camera across again.

The day a long one, glad its done. The work just beginning on the computer, giving the pictures a special edge. The art and inspiration flowing to create a hopefully amazing photograph.

To my protectors...who have brought me home.

"It's only after you've lost everything your free to do anything".

Thank you

Climbing up on solsbury hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night

He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart was going boom boom, boom
Son, he said, grab your things, Ive come to take you home.

To keeping silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day
Tho my life was in a rut
till I thought of what Id say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart was going boom boom boom
Hey, he said, grab your things, Ive come to take you home.
Yeah back home

When illusion spin her net
Im never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free

Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes, but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me

Today I dont need a replacement
Ill tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart was going boom boom boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my things, theyve come to take me home.

Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel

“I am fortunes fool” - Shakespere

I am back in a place, a physical location I never thought I would set foot in again. There is a little girl there that has never been able to let go, to forgive or move on. I need to hug her and tell her all will be ok. She doesn’t need to stick around anymore.

Cruelty was the lesson this place taught me. A hard lesson to grow up with. Dark memories surrounded by light haunt me there. I had an ok childhood, I’m learning to appreciate it the older I get. But those lessons have stayed with me for 29 years. I’m here now to let go, and let it be.

This place has remained cruel. I thought after 12 years, things might have changed. Sad to say I received another lesson in cruelty. But I have come here for a reason, to let the ghosts go, to stop the nightmares of the last week. So even if I must face the demons, I will do so with a smile.

I went to my old school, a place that breeds intolerance. I found my first cave, a small wedge behind an orange door leading up the hallway to the second grade classrooms. I never expected to ever see it again. The place where not a person came looking and my world was small and dark. A safe place for me at the time. It was hard to glance at it again, seeing the little girl sitting in there. It was suggested to ask her to come out and give her a hug. I’m trying so hard, but the poison was surrounding me.

There are all sorts of cruelty in this world, and luckily I haven’t had to face most of it. But the lessons taught this weekend are hard, and faith is nowhere to be found. I was still alone in this city, followed by ghosts and attacked by “truths”. Or lack of them. Thank you to my protectors.

My eyes can’t produce tears anymore. They want to, they want to morn the past and the present. I want to scream and yell, hit and punch. Giving up all I worked on the last little while is difficult and I feel my stomach failing me. I’ve always prided myself in seeing the beauty, but cruelty shadows it.

Perhaps not the best idea to come here, I’ve lost more than I could have imagined. Perhaps beauty is not all its cracked up to be…

Sleep has not come yet, nor do I expect it knocking on my door anytime soon. One day I will sleep…

Everything starts back at the beginning; it is surprising how it ends up. The tides have changed and I'm feeling it tingling in the toes. A bit sad, but I know it’s for the best. It seems like everyone gets to start again with a clean slate, old habits resurfacing, the cherished that you tried to push away, sitting with anxious eyes, waiting for you to join the game.

I want to stand and walk over to the ones that know me so well, but I feel like an imposter. There are things in me that have changed, and I know it will be embraced with open arms, never any judgments. But I hold on to them tight, not afraid, just want to keep some of it for myself. Is that selfish?

Only one day left until I return to the reality. Or perhaps there is room in this everyday life for the world I have created for myself. Mix the two, not take the whole thing so seriously. Or perhaps it is just my nature, and those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. Half a quote from Dr Seuss, a very wise "man".

I've thought about ending the blog, letting it all drop off, a great memory for those times sitting in a deep cushioned library chair, wrapped in a “worn out from all the years” two-toned green crochet blanket, the best you ever had. You sit staring out a darkened window, calm, laughing at the familiar flashes in the mind, pictures from your 29th year.

But then that’s removing your soapbox. Where you express what lies beneath the eyes that seem to be always “working things out” but keep the face that tries not to cause a worry. I’ve really come to enjoy doing this, even with the occasional hiccups, a few moments of discomfort.

“And no I don’t have a medical “hiccup” issue”. A question asked by the plutonic love of my life, an amazing friend of 13 years. Much of who I am today is credit to the lack of advice and constant companionship of this man. One of those “lifers”, full of sarcasm, humour and always a shrug of the shoulders. “That fuckin’ guy”, followed by a rueful shake of the head. This is his choice in blog name; please refer to the previous sentence to get my in-depth, soulful opinion of this decision.

Note to self: Never let the characters pick their own names.

This “fuckin’ guy”, followed by a rueful shake of the head, has given me some of the most wonderful gifts a person could receive. Stories; space stories, vampire stories and even a Choose Your Own Adventure. A playful mind and a gift for the written word. If you have never had a story written for you, I highly recommend befriending someone with these skills. A gift that means so much but is also “cheap, cheap, cheap” (exert taken from The Top 10 Reasons for Giving a Story for Xmas, The Top 10 Reasons for Giving a Vampire Story for Xmas and How Crazy E Saved Xmas).
I pulled these stories out tonight, a smile on my face as I cracked the familiar red and green duo tangs. The room filled with laughter as I read out the interview he gave himself (“fuckin guy”) at the beginning of The Idiot’s Trilogy, Special Edition, a three part fantastic story, written over years.

As I make my way to the comfort of my warm bed and cold green pillow, I do so with laughter being my last action of the evening and a feeling of being ok. That, I can sleep soundly to.

I thought at one point, that by writing this blog, my skills as a writer may increase. That I could get across these random thoughts with skill, intelligence and maybe a bit of wit. To successfully explain the story and give each person a piece of it, if they so wanted. My words have failed me lately, I believe I am expressing them correctly, and I am always aware that words are easily misinterpreted. But they seem to cause so many issues right now, and I am at a loss. The writing has caused arguments and misunderstandings, and that is a shame. I had believed that I could best express myself by doing this, I didn't understand why others felt so differently by what I wrote. I have no other choice but to come to the conclusion that I can't express myself as well as I thought I could.

So to all of those that read what they want not what I say, please ask for assistance if needed. Just ask for Kate or Erin, one will be able to help you out.

Trying something new with the song lyrics...hmm perhaps?

david berkeley

free Lyrics

I had the most perfect day with my soul mate a few days ago. We ran around Metrotown squealing like children and talking way too loud. Purchasing “welcome to our sin” type books, and talking of ideas, grand ideas for the future.

A piece of the sky was given to me that day, by a spiky lipped man named Chris. We were in one of those stores that sell the beautiful swords and clever chess sets. I saw a chest full of the most wonderful rocks. One caught my eye, fantastically blue and flattened on both sides. Perfect for running your thumb across the smooth surface, letting worries melt away, a true worry stone to absorb any negative energy, banishing it. I had asked this spiky lipped man how much it was to buy only one stone. His reply? “Take it, it’s a rock”. What a wonderful man! My soul mate was very impressed and told him that he just gave me a piece of the sky. He looked charmed.

We ended our day sitting at the old sittin’ spot. It is where you are allowed to be insane and feel at home. A patient entertained us by doing cartwheels down the cement steps, laughing and looking towards us to see if we were appreciating his efforts. We were charmed.

I want to speak of the old “sacrificing a beer to the god’s for sun” myth. We had gone camping the weekend before and had one of the prairie boy’s beer left. So on this day, setting up to go camping again, it was cloudy. Perfect BC weather, not raining but threatening it all day.

My soul mate and I decided to sacrifice the beer… We took our sips, toasted to the boys and prayed for the sun. Well she has the faith for both of us; I just wanted a sip of beer.

A short time later, the sun paid a visit, bright and comforting. Did it really work…hmm?

The Moirai have been playing with my thread…the fates cackling...




I can hear the fates laughing with my every step. Whenever the curtain starts to close on this little drama, they pop in old players. For awhile the other players held little fascination for me, too distracted. It seems to be that I’m never left long feeling melancholy before the fates throw in a twist, waiting to see what I do. Destructive vs Adventure, but always a lesson. My lesson lately, you don’t always get the answers. So don’t ask, question or wonder, just let go.

“So, let go. It’s all right. ‘Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”
Let Go – Frou Frou

Didn't sleep a wink last night. Tossed and turned. A coutdown on the clock, to see it I witness every new hour. Slept beside "love", and it felt empty. One of those nights.

So now this early morning, listening to the old ipod, I ran across this song. A good tune, perfect for my soul mate and I. Coffee?

Old school Green Day...


Sit around and watch the tube,but nothing's on
Change the channels for an hour or two
Twiddle my thumbs just for a bit
I'm sick of all the same old shit
In a house with unlocked doors
And I'm fucking lazy

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
And I smell like shit

Peel me off this velcro seat and get me moving
I sure as hell can't do it by myself
I'm feeling like a dog in heat
Barred indoors from the summer street
I locked the door to my own cell
And I lost the key

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored I'm going blind
And I smell like shit

I got no motivation
Where is my motivation?
No time for the motivation
Smoking my inspiration

Sit around and watch the phone, but no one's calling
Call me pathetic, call me what you will
My mother says to get a job
But she don't like the one she's got
When masturbation's lost its fun
You're fucking breaking

Bite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise
I'm so damn bored
I'm going blind
And loneliness has to suffice
Bite my lip and close my eyes
I was slipping away to paradise
Some say,"Quit or I'll go blind."
But it's just a myth

Longview

A True Rambling...please move on...

I am beaten. I am done. I don’t think I have much left, so I must protect it. At times feeling destructive, thinking of taking opportunities just to clear your head. Wondering how you let it get out of hand. Feeling like this sends your mind exploring any and all twisted thoughts churned into creativity.

These are the best times to create. Sometimes you look back and are proud and awed by what you did, and other times, you’re thankful not many people knew about your “little” project.

So I have an idea. I have worked with music and pictures before, and created a not so cheesy 15 minute, kind of creepy piece displaying Tranquille. I hope. You never know until you see the final project.

There is a piece of music, O Verona (reprise) from Romeo & Juliet Vol.2 soundtrack. It’s the madness music, full of passion and intense operatic voices. As my soul mate would say, “RAIN HELLFIRE” music. I use it to work out to; it’s fantastic for getting maddening energy up. Although where my head has been lately, I keep getting flashes of past events of the last little while. Everything out of control, danger, destruction, but one hell of an adventure.

So what if I took these images and put them to print. Grab a few friends and my camera and shoot.

I see a woman sitting at a small table…hands curled within each other…nervous.
A pretty boy in restraints.
A computer screen, lit blue and illuminating a dark room.
Masculine hands through long feminine hair, pulling, and her mouth opened for a scream, as he sits on her back.
A little silver ring, tossed in a corner, forgotten.
Tears.
A dark studio with the glare from the lights illuminating someone sitting curled up in a green blanket.

Hmmm, the secret secret spot.
A woman in a car, curling her fingers tight around the top of the steering wheel. Her head down, shocked with sadness.
Motel steps leading upwards.
A naked form in front of a mirror, very muted and fuzzy.
A man with grocery bags walking down a busy street, staring accusingly, straight into the lens.
A shot from a moving car, aimed at the wonderfully curvy road behind them. The yellow lines, super bright, are lighting the pavement.

I wonder how I can put the hot, Italian “football” team in there.
Heterosexual Life Partner, care to help with this one?

A figure casting a pinkish hue around the cheeks, a blush.
A most amazing tree house high up amongst the ravage squirrels. *May have to leave the squirrels out of that shot.
A figure in a car, late at night, the parking lot empty and long shadows cast all around the vehicle.
Masturbation, now which one of the girls is up for modeling that one? Beaner?

I’d put my money on soul mate.

Although it could be a male model, one I know might be talked into it, the other? “Uh huh”.

Can this be done, and not come off cheesy? Can the pictures taken become artistic and not bland? I think it might be interesting to find out. Any takers?

The thing I need to find out is, do the images stop? Pack up what I have left, protect it and move on, past these inane thoughts. Or does the destructive win?

“One more smoke, then I’ll go”.

Where does it lead?

To your cave.

Step forward

into your cave.

That's right.

You're going deeper into your cave.

And you're going to find

your power animal.

"Slide".

-Fight Club

August Long

“August Long” he called it. “Party with the prairie boys” us girls called it. Either way it was a crazy adventure. Two people talking, becoming friends, finally meeting. Bringing along 4 great friends to join in a story I’m sure will be talked about when we are 70.

• Beaner trying to climb her tree, embracing her amazon womanhood.

• "The Looker" obsessed with his…beautiful, shiny, yellow bike.

• The eternal hunt for the eggs.

• Tequila, oh so much tequila. We devoured two little men that weekend, one with a little white hat.

• The need for wood all weekend. Take that as you want.

• “Fight to the bitter end” cribbage.

• My soul mate and the gifts the little tree fairies bestowed upon her.

• The secret secret spot. “Where nobody gives a damn” – Wolfe Parade

• Poking sticks and “big” fire.

• Chico…oh Chico, you by far were our favorite.

• Overcoming of fears.

• “Adventurers don’t fall…for the 5th time.

• The prairie charmer and his hunt for the river.

• Snoring or moaning, I couldn’t tell

• Oh the worm….

And a sadness watching them leave, wishing for more time. Exactly how you want to leave an adventure.

So to our Prairie Boys…a fantastic time and fond memories and always an adventure. Thank you

Have you ever written a letter to just get out the battle that rages in your mind? Write all truths, raw and uncensored, never to be read. Yet writing it in hopes that one day someone will read it and understand you a bit better.

I have been allowing stress and madness to take over lately. A week ago I ended up with a bleeding nose at 4 in the morning, a sign that I needed to relax and fast. I’m still not sure if it was a legitimate stress, helped along by outside forces or if I had built it up so much in my head and heart. But now I am somewhat more relaxed, the battle still raging but you feel you have more strength to live with it. Even perhaps addresses it in a blog? Perhaps not.

I have an overwhelming feeling that this part of the journey is coming to an end. It has to be, to keep going on this path would put too many at risk. I have sacrificed a lot to do what I want to do, a selfish act on my part, but life saving. And I can’t regret anything I have done along the way, no time for regrets. It was easy to say it was all about sexuality, but that was just the easiest part to control. It was about people, learning from them again, discovering what I am or what I feel I need to be. Become whole and not fragmented. “Climb your tree Beaner, climb your tree.”

Out of all that I have had the pleasure to meet, there is one that stays with me on a daily basis. My dear friend, the prairie charmer. He touched my heart with his stories, his strength and his kindness. Someone I can call a friend, even miles away. Was there more than a friendship there? I wouldn’t allow myself to think of it that way. Of course there is always that little voice that you have to beat down with your “hello Kitty” zombie protection light, whenever it got too loud.

His life cannot afford anyone else putting anymore pressure on him then he has already put on himself. His selfish but lifesaving act, becoming whole again. I could never entertain ideas that would mean hurting myself or him.

What was created had a level of intimacy that I’m not sure how it happened. But it was comfortable, even reassuring. But I think I became accustomed to it, for when it wasn’t there anymore, I missed it.

The prairie charmer made his way out west not too long ago. “No expectations” was agreed upon, but really, that’s a hard thing to ask, for anyone. You keep an open mind but you have your hopes. That this person will think you are as great in person as you might be “online”. A tall order and hard not to hope for.

As with any first meeting, it was filled with nervousness and excitement, possibly some very sweaty palms. We decided to make this a camping adventure and to include 4 of our very good friends to witness the awkward “getting to know you” stage. So we each had our little poses to throw together for an interesting weekend, of course from my side it was dubbed “come see the whores!” A tasteless joke, yes, but appropriate in its context.

I tend to sit back and get a feel for who people are at first, so you could say I was a bit quiet to begin with. Watching what seemed to be the same shyness coming from him. Cute at first, but then it began to be uncomfortable for me. We had shared some intimate moments, but it also felt like I was doing the chasing. Wasn’t sure where to place those thoughts and with feeling a bit uncomfortable, I hoped a good talk with my friend would help.

What a wonderful time, sitting at the secret secret spot, just being together. Secrets told and hopes revealed. I was able to ask him about the shyness. He reminded me that he warned me; yes he is a funny guy. We left with a better knowledge of each other, what I had hoped for from the whole experience.

Now for this next part, you have to understand the amount of communication him and I had over the last little while. Possibly just a build up in the anticipation of meeting, hmm. And a lot more “serious” type discussions, we are both dramatic people. The innuendo and compliments flew; some miscommunication occurred but was sorted out. But what never left was the underlying intimate closeness we seemed to both want.

The closeness was present on the trip but I had the distinct feeling that I was the instigator of most. Again that chasing feeling creeping in. One thing I was not prepared for was the lack of social conversation with each other. It started getting better, and I was not helping with just watching everything unfold. But it was something that left me wondering. The trip as a whole? Well that is another blog.

This is just about the prairie charmer, and things that were on my mind but will remain on these pages. We agreed to believe, in each other. And I was left with a choice, to believe my dear friend and fight back the mistrust that sometimes flared its ugly clown head or become consumed with it, not be able to open myself up.
He talked of fate and karma before making his trip out here. I asked after if they replied back to him, he said that he has a control over what they show him. Whatever he was asking from them, I don’t think he found it. I do wish somewhere in the back of my mind that I could help him with his difficult journey ahead, but that is to remain on these pages.

I made my choice, to learn more and trust my dear friend. But as my soul mate says “the blog needs to be the rawest form of a person”. So these thoughts remain on here, and quite removed from me. It is done my friend, not a worry.

“If I could take the fire out from the wire, I’d share a life and you’d share a life.”
I’ll Believe Anything – wolfe parade

A strange little song...


Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything
said I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn

and I could take another hit for you
and I could take away your trips from you
and I could take away the salt from your eyes
and take away the spitting salt in you
and I could give you my apologies
by handing over my neologies
and I could take away the shaking knees
and I could give you all the olive trees
oh look at the trees and look at my face and look at a place far away from here

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

but I'll believe in anything
and you'll believe in anything

If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd share a life and you'd share a life
If I could take the fire out from the wire
I'd take you where nobody knows you
And nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn
I said nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way
About your blood
your bones
your voice
and ghost
because nobody knows you
and nobody gives a damn either way

and now I'll believe in anything

I'll Believe Anything - Wolfe Parade

To my Heterosexual Life Partner... this is why we are...the way we are.

"And Something's odd - within -
That person that I was -
And this One - do not feel the same -
Could it be Madness - this?"

Emily Dickinson




"Love that is not madness is not love."

Pedro Calderon de la Barca




"But I don't want to go among mad people,"Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat. "or you wouldn't have come here."

Lewis Carroll




"In the end it's all nice"

Sara Goldfarb

I want to be left alone, to my thoughts, to my melancholy and to my finding out what the hell I am doing. That doesn’t mean social interaction, but to my judges. Trying to go out day to day, and having to answer questions on why I’m not as talkative. Or why I just want to sit alone on coffee breaks, flowers surrounding me, quiet and beautiful. My work once said that I may be taking too much time off, but when I’m there, feeling this way, I get stares. There is a mold you have to fit to do my job, and when your not feeling the “bubbly” vibe, people notice.

I’m getting tired of the rollercoaster. The constant analyzing of my life. Worse part is, I did it to myself. Perhaps it would be easier to go back, make my amends and end this blog. End Kate as we see her on these pages. I haven’t eaten properly in three months, the same goes for sleep. I have found out some things about myself that I thought were forgotten, hidden away. I really like who I am becoming, and enjoy dusting off the parts that have been struggling to be free. But it’s hurting too many people. My friends look at me differently, wanting to know where I am headed. How can I tell them, when I’m not sure myself.

Six months ago I was quite an angry person, hurt by the slightest thing (a habit I’m still trying to break) and defensive…always. I had some people in my life going through some rough spots and I was proud to be there for them. My home, their home, my time was theirs. That gave me a distraction, for the time being. Now I am left to fend off…myself. Knowing I can’t go back, it would kill me. But is it selfish? Am I willing to lose all I have worked on, all that I thought I wanted. My biggest worry in this world is that the answer is yes, and always has been yes.

How can I say to my family, “Just let me go, let me find what I need to find”.

Well the last blog had a bit of a insane rambling mood to it. I had a choice of taking it down, unsure of how I felt letting sit there…an afternoon of inspiration gone array? But then again, sensor the blog and you end up losing the point of it.

I had the girls together today. A day of being totally lackadaisical. A good day. Sitting on the bed, stretched out on the African red blanket, the four of us mulling over the meaning of life and which one of us is the most argumentative.

We have all heard each other’s stories before, but yet we listen each time like it’s our first. Laughing and recalling it as if it was your own memory. My soul mate made a comment today, that my studio floor inspired her the day before. As she lay there, writing sweet nothings to her twin. Bean asked my soul mate if she could see auras? Does she have a sixth sense? My soul mate replied, “No I just like lying on the floor, stoned”. She had spent the day writing such beautiful things picked out of nowhere, talks of pirate ships and feeling like a towel under apple pie….. I think it was hearing this that inspired me to write in a more…artsy description. I laugh when I read it, not sure if its my style. But you have to try it all.

A beautiful end to the day, the sun setting as we are sitting around the secret secret spot.

There is quite a steep little hill to walk down to get to the waterfall. It's filled with fallen rock and very loose gravel. As Bean and I were taking our time, finding stationary rocks to help us, we heard, "You just have to know where to put your feet!". This was spoken by my heterosexual life partner, giving us her wisdom with a bit of sass.

All I see next is her running down the hill. I'm thinking to myself, "how impressive". But the bottom came, she did not stop. Then the trees came, still not stopping. Then the hill leading towards sharp rocks and water, she finally did stop, almost in the water and on her ass. I don't think I have laughed (after she gave us the thumbs up) so hard in quite a while.

I feel lucky to have friends that you can share a day like this with. Doing nothing but wanting to be nowhere else in this world but with them.

Sitting with my soul mate, enjoying our calm we seemed to have created today. No outside forces necessary, but also won’t be refused. Talking of twins and trees with interwoven branches leading up the bare flesh. And of the prairies and the storm that’s rolling in, making one nervous and one, most comfortable. Embracing our child-like minds and trying to figure out why we enjoy horrible things in this world. Maybe that’s the whole point of being child-like, the innocence of the mind, absorbing all, evil and “shiny”.

A weight on my shoulders though, not so relaxed anymore.

“I’ve often thought that it’s the basic anonymity of the net that allows us to be so frank and open without risking ourselves. The test often comes when we throw off the cloak of anonymity and start interacting in a more traditional sense. Can we maintain the same level of intimacy, dare we reveal as much now we can look into the eyes of the other person and read the approval or rejection that’s written.”

“Editing is not a luxury afforded to those who meet face to face.”

-smartass brit

These words speak the rawest of truth, when dealing with the internet. We forget that in the cold hard light of day, your words become second. I had forgotten that. I have been reminded.

It is easy to lose oneself to this world, soaking in attention, trying to not make it the focus. The high of it all, a dangerous thing to play with. So you make it more, a search for a few beautiful souls to learn from, whatever they may teach you. The attention whore has left the building. Waiting for the battleing of wits, a challenge or two from those up to it. An attempt to bring the tangible into your waking sleep. Few have accomplished this, and only one has seen the real “Kate”.

He knew my weakness, this man, intelligence and a beautiful soul. A friendship from the start, a neurotic playing field where anything goes. A room, dark with only a faint bluish light coming from the table. Two naked children sitting around it in uncomfortable wooden chairs, but calmly looking at one another, not able to see each other. The only connection is words, innocent…not thinking of the consequences letting another know the barest of your being.

Although it feels good to not hide the “worst” of your neurotic personality, it makes you wonder how you get yourself to feel “safe’ again. The friendship grew, quite quickly, a trip planned, never any expectations. A high level of comfort from him, a smile to my face on those rough days, so many laughs and a feeling of becoming important in his life. Never any more, never any less.

As with most opposite sex relationships, and due to not actually knowing the person, flirting was present. A kind, make you feel good about yourself, flirt. My type was and is not the usual for him; I never expected it to be. This was not built on that expectation.

But words are dangerous things. And they became more charged and intimate. An intimacy I was comfortable to share with this dear friend. I suspected that he was familiar and good at making women feel special, so I tried not to take things seriously. Laughing and smiling and saying “you charmer”. But the idea was planted, harmless words that made you wonder if something had changed. A game beginning that was fun but you could feel the prickles on the back of the neck…a warning. Too many sweet nothings and too much time spent between lying in bed and when sleep overpowers your senses. I admit, I got caught up. Wondering, just wondering. But then the “average” guy appeared and took back all the beautiful things…leaving you with your eyebrows furrowed and a “but….” , on your lips.

I am a chameleon; I can change myself at a moments notice. When you’re under threat of feeling stupid for your thoughts, you change… BAM. Protect yourself at any cost. I found this hard with my dear friend. Respect, no games, ever. I asked him to explain, to tell me if I’m seeing what he is saying incorrectly. Something I tend to do. Back and forth we went, me asking, him dodging. What is that supposed to be? The children at the table grabbing blankets, covering themselves, one shamed the other….?

I got the hint, who was I kidding! Really, the whole thing way too dramatic, and for what? I changed back, feeling silly for entertaining thoughts, feeling bad because I was always aware of the present situation. But wait, I never started this. I was always the confidant, never asking for more or hoping for it. I may have had my own thoughts or feelings but would never expose them. And left it up to…I don’t know, just left it.

Today a good conversation getting back to our roots. A calm settling in, my dear friend back. The flirting left to a “fate” outcome for him, for me I know. “In the end it’s all nice”. One only has to know the context of that statement to realize that it isn’t a Disney ending.

The children started to share once again, comfortable in their wooden chairs the blankets falling around their shoulders…seeing one another, at last. A soul mate protecting me sneaks in to whisper to the little boy, I can’t make out what they are saying. I decide I don’t need to know, I let my blanket fall farther. Him and I alike in many different ways, feeling like I can’t hide nor do I want to. Feeling good. Still have some wonder but completely satisfied.

The next thing I knew, my soul mate whispered in my ear and looked towards the boy. The little girl grabbed her blanket and ran from the room. The only thing she knew how to do. The sun calling her outside, clear her mind, get away. The embarrassment settling in.

“What do I expect, my dear friend?” Not to have you treat me this way. I don’t play games and I take your lead. My blanket is up, only my eyes showing, wondering how in hell I gave you that impression in a 10 min conversation about a kiss. One that involved “she and he”, not “you and I”. You talk about confusion? Seriously?

I may have played around with ideas, but never have I put them out there…in the open. But yet I feel he was able to grab them and twist them away not giving me the choice of hiding them. Too exposed and with someone not being too careful. This is not what I want to learn from my dear friend.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Sia